Life

Spending time with good old friends tonight, catching up with good news and bad. Got me to thinking about the precious gift we all have. Life. We're all given it and depending  on the sorta person we are we take it for what it is. Some of us live it to the absolute full and grab it with both hands. Some waste it. I learnt the hard way how precious it is and not to waste it.
If you're not happy in that job, change it. You'll only stick at it and at the end maybe get  a gold watch and a see you later. Unhappy in that relationship? Leave. You'll only live unhappy and project that unhappiness onto everyone you might meet.
Spend time with people who appreciate you for you, spend time with family and people who make you happy. Don't surround yourself with fake Friends and people who only want you for favours.
Live your dreams no matter what they are, face those fears for what is there to be afraid of? Life is so precious, don't waste a minute wondering what if?  A second in denial is a second you'll never get back.

Party

Tonight has been a hard one. It was one of Scott's best friends engagement party so I went along especially to keep the side up. First flood of tears? The couple danced together to the verve 'lucky man' which was lovely and also me and Scott's song, So I fled the room. When people found out who I was I spent the night receiving sympathetic glances, high fives and words. It was hard, really hard. 

Right now I'm lying in me and Scott's old bed for the first time without him and all I feel is complete devastation. Wow I just wanna cry till I've no tears left. I've just sat up with Linda for hours talking so I think that's the only option left.

Apollo 13

So I watched Apollo 13 today and it's knocked me for 6, It was Scott's favourite film and we used to watch it so much I could tell you the script by heart. I've also got his friend from works engagement party on Saturday and I'm kinda nervous about going. I just miss him so much, Why did he have to die?
I've been at my job 4 weeks and I know people are starting to wonder what the deal is about me, I've not been shy about my life except that part of it. I just hate the looks and the sympathy or the awkwardness of people not knowing what to say,
I'm just desperate to sort myself out and feeling good again also what way to go next in life. I think I wanna stay at this job for least a year to get the experience of a management role in the hospitality industry just so I can do it anywhere in the world. I just don't know if my next trip away I wanna just travel or if it's a life move. I know those kind of decisions will come with acceptance and peace of mind about my life.

I seem to be having what you might call an identity crisis, I feel I'm losing who and what I am by being home. I'm being conned back into what you may call real life again I don't like it. When I was away I was so happy and what I think is the real me. Life was stripped bare of what some people may deem essentials and I lived and loved with what I had. Barely any material possessions and just life to make me happy.
I don't want to confirm to the social norm. I'm what some might call a free spirit. I don't wanna settle in the country I was born, get a "good" job, marry and have kids. I'm past that. I had the love of my life and he's gone. I feel suffocated being back in this life, feel pressured to want this kinda life. I know it's hard for some of my loved ones to understand the life I want because they've never experienced the life I've had. I think to find the real me you'd have to meet ,me whilst I'm travelling and living the list to the fullest. I truly love life and even with the cruelest card I've been dealt I'm still positive I can have a great life. Just not at home. I'm destined for more than this. That maybe hard to hear to my family that I feel the real me is a whole world away from them.
 I sometimes feel like the odd one out and I do compare myself to my brother and sister all the time, I know I shouldn't but I do. My sister is a picture of happiness and has found her true prince in her husband Gordon. A fantastic person who I couldn't wish more for my sister. They are both so in love and perfect together it makes anyone envious. They both have great jobs and my sister is close to following her dreams and true calling with her work. My brother who is a PHD student and also a competitive bodybuilder also so close to achieving his dream. He's got a wonderful supportive partner Holly a trainee nurse and an amazing person inside and out, she's another sister to me. I sometimes wonder what they think of me. But then is seeing the world and really living outside the box a bad thing? Why does not confirming to the social norm see such a scary prospect to some people? Especially when it's me living it, not them?
I know how short life is. I know how your whole world can be ripped apart from one phone call. I don't have any fear anymore. I've been at my lowest so I'm not afraid to put myself out there and take a massive risk in life ignoring the possible consequences. Living life afraid to take risks is a pretty boring life.
I miss Scott more than anything in the world. I miss him at the times you wouldn't expect and it's like a knife to the heart. I just want to make him and my family proud of me. He was never a risk taker, It was always me pushing our decisions. One joint dream we always had together was living in Canada. It's why I want to go. I really wanna live out all his dreams for him and his family.
I lived out one of his dreams yesterday, It was to get a motorbike, I compromised by going on my dads bike with him. I loved him, Absolutely loved it! I know Scott would have loved going on it too. I often said to him when he mentioned getting his bike license that to speak to my dad as he was a keen biker.
I really loved it, I felt free! A really addictive feeling and one I love, being free and on the road. Scott would have loved it and I can picture his smile and reaction now.
I need to try and deal with great loss and find Wozza again, I miss her.

+1

Want to know its like in my shoes? It's bloody painful and confusing. Imagine you've just split up with your partner and its not what you want but it's maybe for the best. Now imagine you're on your dream trip. Travelling and seeing a world you and people around you have only dreamed of. You're really having the time of your life, but the partner you split up with he's always on your mind. You're gonna go back to him. Now imagine you're on top of the world, you never knew life could be so good and you'd see such amazing things. 

Your life's shattered. Your partner that you weren't sure of splitting up with and you were going to go back to is dead. He died without you. While you were on top of the world he was dying. What a regret. There was no point coming home because there was nothing you could do so you drifted from place to place. People said you were strong but that's a load of shit you were just surviving. 

You come home and everyone seems to have moved on its old news whereas you've lost the love of your life and its the worst pain you've ever felt. It's like a knife to the heart everytime you think of him. Everytime you see something that reminds you of him, everytime you want him to take your hand or give you a cuddle only he could give. 

Ha! You'll just move on and adjust. They think it's that easy! I would never want anyone I love to feel this pain I have of losing a partner, just pray and wish you go first. 

America, fuck you!

America, fuck you! I used to always sing this to my two American friends will and Dave. This is my 4th time in Florida and I've been to Vegas once, so even though I've not visited all over the country I do know I don't wanna live here. I did for a long time and Scott did aswell but the American dream is all about working all hours under the sun and to me I couldn't think of anything worse. Plus Americans are loud and obnoxious and I must be the only one who comes to this country and loses weight cause I hate the food. It big greasy horrible portions. I love Florida but ill stick to holidays. 

Gone

Yeah, yeah yeah I know I'm like a broken record but I am actually broken. When you lose a partner you also lose a future. Me and Scott had a future planned together and now it's gone. I opened an email I'd sent to Siobhan this time last year detailing my plan to go meet him in Canada round about February this year. Wow it hurt to see it, a life we'd planned together gone. 

Even when I left all I wanted was him. All I told family and friends about it was that we weren't over and all I wanted was him. I'm sure they just nodded their heads or tried to make me see differently but only I knew how much I loved him. I don't regret going away but I'll always have that regret of not being there and could I of made a difference? 

Abercrombie and Fitch

Abercrombie and Fitch have been upset alot of people with their values and morals but yesterday they upset me in a completely different way. It was Scott's favourite shop, he'd spend at least an hour in their everytime and most of his clothes were from there. Going in yesterday really shook me. I ended up getting a hoodie that he himself would have picked out and cause it his the aftershave on it, it reminds me of him. Funny how being in this villa and all the talk of him is a comfort to me but a shop hits me in the face like a brick. Grief is not a textbook emotion.

I'm having a really good time here and it's nice that its so familiar to me, I'm having a proper rest and getting to relax which I've needed for some time. We've been shopping and I got a new juicy couture handbag, a beautiful Armani dress for Gina's wedding and new Mac makeup. We've had a manicure and a pedicure. Alot of lounging by the pool reading and chatting. I've been good to myself and had luxuries I've not been able to afford being away. 

Orlando

I'm currently lying on a sun lounger by the pool in Orlando, it's just after 10am but its already roasting hot. Jealous much? Don't be. I wouldn't say I had an envious life. On the outside looking in I suppose it looks not bad but inside my head it really hurts and it's terrifiying. As someone who's prone to depression already as I've already suffered from it I'm very alert to how I'm feeling and trying to differentiate grief from feeling down. I feel like saying cry me a river that to help me grieve and face reality I'm in Florida where me and Scott had some if our happiest times. But it's bloody hard and weird being here without him. I keep expecting him to come sit beside me or be in watching some big trial on the tv. It's also not completely sad. There's great memories in every corner of this house, in every spot I can remember a laugh, a conversation or a moment with him. I know he was with us last night when he arrived as there was a massive thunderstorm and he loved them, he'd make me sit out and watch them. The past couple of days have been so hard again I just wish I knew how to get through it that as they say doesn't "just take time"

Florida

Off to Florida tomorrow. Willie and Linda's villa for 8 days. I was up there last night for dinner and their going on Saturday, they offered to take me and I thought why not I've nothing else to do next week as I have no job. Only been back 9 days and I'm away again it's crazy! Ill have flown all the way round I the world in 10 days and I was off long haul flights for a while. It's something I need to do though, I need to spend time with willie and Linda for the 3 of us sake. We were the closest to Scott and the ones hurting the most. Also at the villa in Florida is where we had some of our happiest memories together, before I came back I struggled to think of things anything to remind me of Scott and it frustrated me that i couldn't. Being home I'm surrounded and it's nice but it's hard,  it's been 8 months but it still feels like it was last week it happened. You just need to get used to that person not being there and cancel the future with them. Linda said to me yesterday at some point ill have to move on and it's true but no way can I do that anytime soon. I don't wanna fall in love again as I don't want the pain that goes with it, the worry and anxiety that I won't just lose them again. How on earth do you let loose after such a trauma? Nah I'm no where near ready but that's ok, I have enough people round me to compensate. 

My Scotty G I love you and miss you even more than I could begin to know as you would say to the moon and back. My love, my life you were my favourite xxxxxxxx

:/

I have this horrendous pain in my chest, I have no appetite, I can't sleep and I'm struggling to really even be happy these past days. I keep slipping and I'm struggling to pull myself up again, I try not to be crabbit or moany to those around me but when your heart is broken into a million pieces and there's no glue to fix it how can you? I feel like everything I used to love is so trivial now, Like getting my hair done or my eyebrows. Things I used to love and follow up religiously is now pointless and a waste of time. I suppose its good in a way that I'm not so concerned about appearance as I once was. All I wanna do is get lost in books and escape reality, I don't regret coming home but I never expected it to be as hard as this. I've cried more than a handful of times today. Yesterday I was bent over in pain hardly able to breathe with grief, One minute I'm minding my own business and the next I'm inconsolable.

So I'm applying for every job I can find to try and gain some employment. There's not alot in Livingston so I'm applying to jobs in Aberdeen aswell, Hoping to get something in catering or hospitality. I don't want a conventional office job, I can't think of anything worse so I'm applying for live in positions, jobs with oil companies and looking to see how I get on the boats or the rigs.
Spent the weekend in Aberdeen with my brother and sister and had a lovely time it was great to see them again. Me and Karen went out to the Deeside on sunday which is the cairngorms and on the way back stopped at a few castles and a secret waterfall, was awesome. I'm really appreciating how green and pretty Scotland is after being away for so long and seeing completely different scenery.
Ah well Fingers crossed next time I write  this I'm employed as tomorrow I'm going to sign on and I'm not looking forward to it!

Back to blighty

So I'm home. Been back 4 days and I feel like I've never left. It weird but also nice. Had a very tearful Hollywood style reunion at the airport, my mum, dad and Gemma were there with a banner saying welcome home Caroline. I just walked out arrivals seen them and the banner and burst into tears. Was a long trip home but was made easier by some very kind individuals. I'd booked a hotel room close to the airport just to make it easier in the morning and not a wild last night in Oz which it would have been of I'd got a hostel. I'd basically just booked a room with a single bed in it but when I arrived after a 5 hour bus journey from chinchilla and then a train and another bus to the hotel I was shattered. I got speaking to the owner whilst she was checking me in telling her all about my travels and it was my last night in Oz so she upgraded me to a deluxe room. Same as at the airport I was chatting to the women at check in and she upgraded me to premium economy. Score! 

It's hit me like a ton of bricks coming back and facing upto the reality of Scott being gone. I've went back to before when I wear sunglasses cos it means I can cry in public and no one knows. I just can't believe he's not here anymore and it hurts more than imaginable. I did go an see Willie and Linda last night which I really enjoyed, it was emotional at times but it'll be like that for a while. Now it's really time for me to grieve. I've never really had the chance being away and on my own.

Coming home.

I'm coming home, I'm coming home tell the world that I'm coming home.
Flights booked and I got 3 days left. One of which I'm working and the other travelling to Brisbane. So I've got 1 day and I'm in a town called Chinchilla which is the same as any other inland Aussie town. Seen one you seen them all.


Just finished my last rodeo and I'm gonna miss it what an experience this has been.
I've learned to stop being a pathetic female and do a mans job. Running leads and hoses and proper physical work. Aside from that working on a funfair is pretty damn fun! I loved sneaking away from the canteen to go on the rides, eating candyfloss all day but not the blue stiff cause it dyes your teeth so the boss knows you were eating it. Watching the rodeos which is pretty cool and a sport I never thought I'd be exposed too. Seeing cowboys and listening to country music is the norm to me now. We'd stand in the canteen all day slagging the small town country people. Playing is it a boy or is it a girl? Omg look at that! The funny thing about Oz is of you go to the coast the people are thin and beautiful. As soon as you go inland they get fat and not as desirable.
I've loved the people I've met working on the show. A completely different mix of characters, but been great fun all the same, we've had some great laughs and beer pong nights together I'm really gonna miss them all.
Once a showie always a showie.

Chinchilla

Today wasn't such a good day. There's one guy called Will who works with us. Him and his girlfriend started the same time as me, their 21 and 19. I got on well with them at first and I still do but Will is really starting to grate my nerves. He's a know it all, patronising bastard. Enya his girlfriend is on another planet half the time. I blew up at Will the other day as he keeps barking orders at me when he has no right too and wouldn't listen to me when I was trying to tell him the freezer hadn't been on all day. He always snaps since he thinks he's always right and it really got to me the other day I went mental and in front of everyone!
Today when we were working for some reason he questioned what I was doing to Brock who is Mick and Jackies son. I was cleaning the control box for one of the rides with Courtney and for some reason he didn't like it. I don't know why Brock reacted the way he did but he went mental at Courtney and sent me to do some shitty job on my own. I was fuming! Doesn't he realise we need to stick together and not fuck each other over?!
So now I don't know if I can stand to stay with the show for much longer. It's bringing me down being around him. The other thing that's starting to piss me off is the men! There's barely any women on the showground never mind young single ones so who do you think is in high demand?! There's one guy in particular who won't give up. He's called Rumbo and that's all I hear about from everyone even my boss Mick. Pisses me off cause I'm not interested and I don't hear the end of it. Yeah right am interested he's an alcoholic! As if I wanna go there.
No one can accept that I'm single by choice and that's what I wanna stay. Who knows when ill and if ill ever wanna be in a relationship again. I've felt the ultimate pain from it and I don't wanna feel it ever again.

Anyway I'm in Chinchilla which was a 500km drive from Charleville, so all day Sunday was just spent travelling. Got a small one day show in miles which is 50km tomorrow but we're camped in Chinchilla so it's just the canteen to pack up tomorrow night thank god! Think I may spend the next few weeks with them till we get to cairns as then it's just an easy flight down to Sydney to meet Von and Chris.

Charleville

Just been stopped by the police for the second time in Charleville. This time it was for walking across the showgrounds with a beer in my hand after the show was finished and the gates were closed. No drinking in public areas apparently and it's a $110 fine. They made me walk back to camp and get my ID to prove I was old enough to drink then let me off with a warning. Two days ago we got pulled over in the car cause we went to town me, Kristy and Voitor and they have no back seat so Kristy lay on the mattress in the back seat. I managed to talk us outta fine saying it was a moment of madness and we were only nipping to town. Our punishment was me and Kristy were made to walk back to the showgrounds. Hopefully not gonna make it a 3rd time but still got a full day here so there's still time!
Charleville is the proper outback. Red dirt and hilly Billy's. The bugs out here are unreal, The moths are like the size of your hand more like bats. The wildlife is crazy I've seen enough of it to last a lifetime but I still love it. I love being on the road, travelling to new towns. We've been doing 2 shows a week in the past few weeks so its been full on travelling and working. The thing about these places though is a lot of the towns are very similar with the same shops and no sorta history or interesting sights. As Australia is such a new country there's no background. The culture is a shock to me. The small town cowboy lifestyle is a drastic difference to my lifestyle. I love the fact I'm experiencing real Australia not just the beach side of it.

Showie

So I'm back in Roma. Back where I started on the showgrounds now I'm a showie and I love it! On the road from St George too here the Australian wildlife was rife and it was so cool. I seen so many emus, wallabies and kangaroos. The kangaroos just hop onto the road all the time their more pests. I was travelling with Duncan and it was his first time driving in Oz never mind the outback and we hit one! Lucky we had a roo bar on the front of the ute or it could of killed us their that big. When we drive to each destination it's always so cool cause its always a big road train with all the trucks and cars towing all the rides and canteens. I want a shot in the Kenworth cause that truck is king of the road!

Had a great night tonight having a beer pong tournament and I was on fire, I won a lot more games than I lost. It's a really great group of people on the showgrounds. Showie and proud!

St George

The problems of living on the road. We got up at 7 this morning to pack up camp and head to Roma but the road transport police have been at the entrances of the town all day booking all the showies leaving town for being overweight, vehicles too long etc. Anything they can be fined for. So we've sat about all day waiting for them to leave but their still there so we've set up camp and are leaving St George at 3am as they'll hopefully be gone by then. Another sleepless night on the road.
This job is fun and I'm glad I'm getting to see the real Australia but most of these towns are all the same. Australia has no history or culture so even though I've been to 7 different towns now they all have the same kinda set up or layout with the high street and same chain stores. Driving through Australia is so boring. There's nothing to look at the scenery just stays the same and it's so flat.

Been missing home abit this week. The problem with travelling on your own is when you miss home you miss everyone. I have no one that knows my life in Scotland so I have no one to really talk about it. I kinda feel this week like I wanna come home soon but I also don't.

Showies

Exhaustion ain't the word. I've worked solidly this weekend. Two days in Goondiwindi I was working in the roast beef van which I enjoyed more than the canteen. Mainly cause their trusting us a lot more now and just left me and Will too it in the van as we know what we're doing now. Today wasn't good as we were all so tired. I was up for 24hrs yesterday and got 3 hours sleep before I had to work again today. We were all abit grouchy and crabbit with each other. Courtney kept me going with our usual slating of the small town weirdos!
On the drive from Goondiwindi to St George this morning I seen my first wild kangaroo! Hopping across the road looking all cute. Steph the girl who was driving screamed 'oh fuck' as she almost hit it and I got all excited and wanted her to turn around so we could go catch it. When they hit your car a lot of the time it'll write your car off their that big.

My boss was quite upset today as their was a programme on the tv about showies and it was really nasty saying their dirty, lazy and just wanna rob you. A stereotype that's so wrong. My bosses and their family are so kind and hard working. They work 7 days a week, up at 6am everyday and work till at least 11pm on showdays. The canteens are cleaner than some of the 5 star hotels I've worked in. The rides are checked and rechecked at least 5 times before every show to make sure their safe. Most shows you get a health and safety inspector checking before they can open and food safety inspectors also come to most shows. It's their livelihoods why would they compromise on safety?
As its coming into winter now it is cold at night and Jackie bought me an electric blanket so I wouldn't be cold. She's bent over backwards to make our camp as comfortable and fully equipped as possible.
It's another judgement I myself have made in the past and I've been proven wrong. I used to think the same about backpackers!

Home, work and bugs.

I seen a picture of Edinburgh in the paper today and it gave me a longing for home. I miss home desperately but not to the point that I wanna come home. I really wish Australia wasn't so far from home and so expensive to fly. I think I'd really consider living here if it was closer, but for now that's a deal breaker. I don't think I could live so far away and only seen my family and friends every couple of years.
Early night tonight as this weekend is gonna be a killer. The Goondiwindi show starts tomorrow at 9am and finishes at 2am and the same time on Saturday. Then when the show finishes we pack down the rides and the canteen, our camp and drive 200km to St George for a show on Sunday, pack down then drive to Roma on Monday morning. Roma is where I joined the show so it'll be nice to go back there when I actually know what I'm doing!
We got the afternoon off today and we all went to the campsite across the road to the pool and spa which was amazing as I've not had a proper day relaxing like that for about 6 weeks. This jobs great but it's constant.
Seen my first big Aussie spider this week. It was a huntsman and it scared the life outta me. I was checking the cables on the power box and I looked to the side and there it was on the side just chilling! I've been here for 6 months and that's me seen my first one. People exaggerate when they say they seen them all the time
and their everywhere. You do see a lot of cockroaches and other bugs. When you see some of them it's like what even of that?! For instance I have a preying mantis on my door right now that I had no clue yesterday what one was! My dad would be proud of me the way I handle bugs now!

Goondiwindi.

That's where I am right now, in Goondiwindi Just arrived today from Goombungee which was a lovely little town. Was absolutely tiny but it was really chilled out and the locals were great. In these kinda towns where not a lot happens they really look forward to show day so when we all went to the pub one night they greeted us with open arms and bought us jugs of beer. They couldn't wait to speak to us.
Was also a more chilled out week work wise as it was only a one day show and we only had the canteen, coffee stand and fun factory to set up with 4 days to do it we strung it out.
We're really starting to find our feet now me and the English couple Will and Enya who started at the same time as me. There's so much to learn and take in but I feel like I know more what I'm doing. Courtney who's like a daughter to Jackie and Mick my boss and she's in charge when they ain't around is starting to be a lot more open and friendly towards me which is good cause I didn't like her at the start! It's a good group with Rumbo who is Justin's staff and the kiwi boys who work for little Jackie we all have a good laugh. Cooking and drinking together after work.
My friend Duncan who I met in Melbourne who's actually from Edinburgh came upto join the show on Saturday so it's great to have him here as he's a good mate and means I'm not the only Scottish on the showgrounds! We've renamed our camp 'Camp Scotland'

I've felt really good the past 6 weeks I've been on the show I don't have that need to or feeling that I need to move on and what am I doing next that I've had since Scott died. I was always looking for something or somewhere to make me feel better and happy. I've been that lost and sad, trying to hide how I'm feeling and channeling it into travelling. Working on the show I've not had that feeling of I need an escape route. I'm happy. I'm not 100% but I feel good. I'm busy constantly and enjoying the lifestyle and work its keeping me going. I feel healthy and look healthier than I have in months. My friend Duncan even commented on that yesterday when he arrived and its only been 6 weeks since I seem him.
I love being a showie! What an adventure it is. It's not for the faint hearted at all. I practically live outside as I only go into my camp to sleep, we eat, cook and socialise outside. We work outside except 2 days a week in the canteen. The sites always have toilets and showers but there not exactly glamorous. The last 2 towns in the toilets didn't even mirrors so I didn't look in the mirror for 2 weeks! I'm constantly either muddy or greasy from cleaning or setting up but I don't even care.

Dalby

I'm now in Dalby and it's a much nicer town than Toowoomba. Showgrounds are nicer too, the toilets were disgusting there and it was so muddy since the past week was like non stop storms. Dalby is more modern and it's grey sand so it doesn't cover you head to toe in mud 24/7.
Shops are also a 20 minute walk rather than an hour which is a big plus we're not so cut off. We have a really nice camp set up here and it's really social that all the guys come to our camp for a drink and a wind down after work.
Can guess what rooms mine straight away as pride of place on my door is my stolen Scotland flag that two of the guys climbed up the flagpole and stole for me last Saturday! Had to keep it hidden till we left Toowoomba as I'm the only Scottish person on the grounds so if they notice they'd know it was me straight away!
As much as I hate to say it, my accent is starting to annoy me. Especially in these kinda towns when they don't get a lot of foreigners. I constantly have to repeat myself and everyone once they hear it mimic it. The novelty has definitely worn off. It's weird cause when I met a Scottish women today it sounded strange to me cause I ain't heard one for so long. I never thought hearing an Aussie accent would sound normal to me.
This job is good for me. I've not slept so well in months and had such an appetite. Cut right down on the amount I drink aswell. It's exhausting work but its really doing me good. Jackie my boss as they have a farm may be able to sign us off for our 2nd year visa which would be amazing if I could come back. I really do love this country. It's not home but I love it.

Dear Scott

Dear my Scotty G,
The love of my life. The man I loved more than anything, the man whenever I think about I feel the pain of your life and future lost. Our future together. I miss you more than I could ever imagine missing someone. I don't know what to do without you, I was going to come back to you but I never told you properly. It kills me thinking that you never knew I just wanted to give you time to get yourself together and me time also to get myself together. I know I was also in a bad place and needed time to heal but my future was always with you. Life is so cruel. Why? Why did this happen? Why were you taken away from me? Why didn't I get to tell you how much I loved you?
Some of the happiest times of my life were with you. That first time we went to Florida was amazing and it was when we first got together properly, I was the happiest girl in the world. When we moved in together and made that flat our home was like a
dream come true, I was so happy.
I hate what happened to you. It breaks my heart the addiction and pain you went through. A horrible disease that got hold of you and you weren't able to get free
of. I don't regret one second with you.
I have so many things and talents I could say about you that made you amazing but where do i start? You were one of those people everyone loved and I was so proud to say you were mine. My Scotty G.
One of my favourite stories to tell that just sums up our relationship together is when we had a party for my birthday in the flat,
We had a houseful and thought it was hilarious to spray pepperspray in the toilet and it almost killed everyone in the flat it was so strong! That was us. Always playing pranks and taking the piss, oYou made me laugh like no one else.
You had the most beautiful blue eyes that I could have stared into forever.
I don't know what to do without you and I'm so scared. Ill love you forever my boy
Xxxxxxx

Birthday

As I right this I have tears streaming down my face and my heart feels like it could explode with the pain. I got up this morning and had a little cry but I had to start work at 8:30am and didn't finish till 10pm so it's been good I've been kept busy all day. Nows the time to let it out. It's one of the boys on the shows birthday today so I've been trying to make a fuss over that to keep me sane.
Scott always hated his birthday so he'd most likely be annoyed that I'm dwelling on it. I'd be soooo excited for him and he'd tell me to fuck off he wasn't interested! I keep going round and round in my mind if I could speak to him what I'd say and really all I want is to say I love you please tell me you know that.

Fun factory.

I was working last night on the fun factory which is a fun house for kids. It's got a ball pit, spinning pole, a maze, spinning hamster wheel and a slide at the end. My job was to watch the kids to make sure they didn't hurt themselves which usually meant me going through it with them and it was great fun.
We're still in Toowoomba but the rodeo we were just doing was 90k away in Warwick. Another country bumpkin town with cowboys and farmers.
Toowoomba is a big town and its all spread out we need to do an hours walk from the showgrounds to get to the supermarket which has almost killed me everytime cause its all uphill. It's a massive show next weekend that is so important to this town that they have a holiday for it starting on Thursday. There must be about 100 caravans here now with all the showies here to start setting up its really cool.
We have the best spot in the showgrounds cause the family I work for are the biggest show family in Australia. It's really nice their called the Gill Brothers and its the parents that I work for and their 3 children all with their own set up. They all travel and work together. They have like 8 dogs, 4 budgies, a parrot, a lizard and a cat that goes with them everywhere. The cats taken to sleepin in my room which I of course love!
I sleep in a unit that's been converted to 2 rooms, it's really small with space for a bed and a fridge with a couple of shelves but its great to have my own room and space again after so long in hostels.

It's Scott's birthday on Thursday. He would have been 25, But sadly he'll never age past 24. I miss him so much, I would do anything to speak to him. I don't think an hour of the day goes by without thinking about him. Everything reminds me of us. My life right now is not reality in the sense that this is not home and not a life I can lead forever so I am used to not being with anyone I love but being used to something doesn't lessen the pain.
Before I left Brisbane I went to an alanon meeting and I just let it all out. I actually terrified to come home and face it. All I do is imagine getting home and seeing everyone then getting on a plane to somewhere else. I don't wanna be at home where there's pain waiting for me.
I'm so excited about when I do go home to see my family and friends because I miss them so much. I hate seeing things on Facebook when their all together and I'm missing it. Family is the most important and valuable thing in the world.

Rodeo

I spent Christmas on the beach, my birthday on a farm and now I've spent Easter at a rodeo. Completely different to how I'd celebrate these occasions back home.
The new jobs going good, I never appreciated the work that goes into these shows before its full on. The family I work for Mick and Jackie have 2 food vans, 2 snow cone stands, a coffee stand and 3 rides. So quite a big operation. The areas they work in are agricultural shows and rodeos and for instance the Saturday morning markets. Every event or market you need to set up the stall and all the merchandise, do your trading then pack it all down when you're done. It's bloody hard work but I'm enjoying it. Friday night was an experience because it was my first rodeo. It was so amusing at first cause they actually have real cowboys. They all wear jeans, a shirt, boots, a hat and an on show big flashy belt. They have events like horseback racing, bareback, bronking bulls and horses and ones where you race someone to catch a cow with a lasso and tie it up.
My job on the showgrounds is on the snowcone stand. A snowcone is a cup of crushed ice with cordial poured over it. It's quite funny cos when I was younger I always wanted a mr frosty machine and when I got one it was too hard to crush the ice and I was devastated I couldn't use it and now basically my job is making something very similar. We sell candyfloss and popcorn too so I get the kids high on sugar then send them to their parents!
So I started on Friday preparing the canteen (a snack van) for the rodeo on Friday night. We started at 10am and finished about 10:30pm, Saturday was the street market starting at 7:00am till 4pm cos we had to then pack down and set up for the Sunday market in a new location. Sunday was 7:00am at the market then straight onto the rodeo finishing at 12:30am. A bloody long day that was especially since I went out on Saturday night! So as you can see its long hours and hard work.
I'm now in a town called Toowoomba which was a 5 hour drive from Roma. I was up at 8:30am and we had to pack up the camp and drive here and set up camp in the dark. As you can guess I'm absolutely shattered. It's generations of the family that all own their own rides and stands. So there's a lot of people and everyone's so friendly I've already made new friends and having fun. I've already seen two towns in Australia that I'd otherwise never see and experienced a rodeo so I can really see myself sticking at this job.

Travelling carnival

So I've been applying for every job left, right and centre trying to find someone to take me on and I think I've hit the jackpot. I've got a job working on a food stall for a travelling fair that goes all over Queensland. I only get paid like $400 a week but my food and accommodation is paid for so that's the main thing and I get to travel the state. It's funny because when me, Siobhan and Gemma meet people we always tell them that I work on the waltzers, Gemma works on a hot dog stand and Siobhans a giraffes hairdresser, so I'm actually gonna be doing Gemma's fake job! Not a job I'd take on in a million years if I was back home but when you travel you do thinks you wouldn't expect yourself to do, you suprise your self with choices outwith your character. I leave on Thursday with an 8 hour bus journey inland to a town called Roma. I'm looking forward to seeing parts of the country I'd otherwise miss out. So I've got 2 days left in Brisbane and I'm just gonna sightsee and relax.

Bucket list

This is what I want to and will achieve in my life.

• Be truly happy, be able to look at my life around me and be happy with the choices I've made.
• Make a difference to someone's life that has been in a similar situation to me through addiction. Maybe volunteer with alanon or raise awareness to the other victims of addiction.
• Volunteer in an environment where people need and will benefit from my help.
• Learn a language and live in a country where I can properly learn it.
• See the world. I want to travel Europe properly, see Asia, Canada, South America and South Africa.
• Travel Scotland. I've been across the
world but never really appreciated the beauty of home.
• Take a flying lesson. I'd love to be able to fly a plane.
• Skydive again.
• Get over my fear of fish and learn to dive.
• Learn to surf
• Learn to snowboard or ski and do it in somewhere like Switzerland.
• Have a job that allows me to travel.

Not too demanding as of yet and all quite manageable I'd say.

Bris-Vegas.

So I'm now in Brisbane. I've taken to this city a lot more than I did melbourne I think I'm really gonna like it here. I'm staying in a really good hostel that I'd call more of a resort. It's still got the dorm rooms and a shared kitchen/bathrooms but its got loads of deck areas and sunbathing space, a swimming pool and a movie theatre. It's a place more built for you to be outside than in other places I've stayed, because Queensland is warm all year round. It's got a viewing platform that you can see right over the city. During he day it's just big buildings with the river splitting the city in half and by night it's bright lights making it look like Vegas. Hence the nickname Bris-Vegas.
Spent the whole day yesterday lying by the pool topping up my tan it was great and so relaxing. Was nice to be able to lie by water and not have someone throw me in for once! Won't be the case tomorrow when I go and meet a friend from Melbourne at the lagoon cause he's notorious for doing it! Met up with him last night and even though It'd only been a week and a half since I seen him in the travelling world that's along time. When you see people everyday and they become your family when you leave it's like leaving home all over again. Had my first run in with the aboriginals last night. If always been told they hated British people and all they did was get drunk and start fights but I dismissed this claim as I wouldn't ever want to judge a whole race on one comment. As we were sitting outside smoking one came up and asked for a cigarette, we said no sorry an he started shouting and swearing calling me a redneck bitch (I laughed at this comment! We don't have rednecks in Scotland) when a friend of a friend jumped to my defence and made him apologise. The bouncers calling the police straight away. Doesn't seem like a big incident but it's the first run in I've had in Australia as its a very safe country in general. I'd rather see a huntsman spider than deal with the abo's again!

I've been thinking about my future lately and how I wanna live my life, I've all these ideas in my head of things I wanna achieve and do. It's part of the grieving process I think is a positive step. I'm planning my life on my own as sad as it seems I don't ever want a romantic relationship in my life again.
I'm gonna write my bucket list.

Queensland I'm a coming!

I'm fleeing Melbourne on Wednesday. Winters coming really quickly and it's actually cold down this end of Oz, past 3 days it's been wet and windy and it's the first time I've genuinely been cold for ages. I've given this city a chance and I'm not feeling it. They say you either love Sydney or Melbourne, not both. My heart lies in Sydney. Don't get me wrong I've had an amazing time here and made some fantastic friends that'll ill miss when I'm gone but I'm so excited for Brisbane . Queensland is Fraser Island, Whitsundays, the Great Barrier Reef and surfers paradise. Some of the most amazing places in Oz.
So my flights booked, hostel booked ( it has a pool!) and my work has transferred me up so I'm all sorted, just gotta have my leaving night tomorrow with the boys where ill get drunk and cry!

Grand Prix

So I'm just back from the Grand Prix. I only went for Scott. It's one of the many things ill do in his legacy. Places he wanted to go and things he wanted to do. I've got my ticket and I'm saving it to put on his grave. It's so wrong that I need to do that, that he's not here with me that we both could have went together. He would have loved it. He'd be glued to the tv at the start of every season and I'd complain of the noise it made all the way through. It was amazing though. The cars went so fast that if you blinked you'd miss them going past. The noise was incredible you couldn't hear anything but that and you could feel it in your chest. I've went to the Melbourne Grand Prix something ill never get the chance to do again and i done it for love. Love that will never leave me. Love that drives me towards living each day as if its my last, love that makes me go for every dream I've ever had. Love for my Scotty G.

Gypsy.

Ok so I'm like a gypsy these days. The past 6 nights I've stayed in 4 different hostels and their all on opposite sides of Melbourne. No worries though I move into an apartment in St Kilda tomorrow which is a lovely wee funky beach town. Where I'm going is 10 mins walk to the beach. Perfect! That's what they call living the dream :) There's another heat wave going on right now it should be cooling down for autumn but its just staying hot and I love it!

Love hurts

Let's say someone got a knife and stabbed you in the heart repeatedly. That's the pain I feel daily. I forget for a few hours and then something reminds me and I got that horrendous feeling in my heart. I feel first guilt because I left him so I have no right to feel sad. Then I feel like I wanna break down and cry because the realisation hits me that I'm not gonna have the life we talked about and he promised me. The life I was meant to have with my Scotty G. I feel like a broken record now. Surely that people are moving on and I'm not. But how do I do it? How do you move on from something like this? I don't think I can. I know everyone's saying ill be fine and ill move on and meet someone. I challenge these people like me to experience a break up and then lose that person forever and then talk with me, we'll see how it is. I have a playlist I made up called Scotty G and I just listen to it all the time. It's songs we both loved. Silly ones and more serious ones. Ill never listen to an Elton John song again without him in mind. The main one that's actually playing right now the verve 'lucky man' are wedding song. The ones he'd change to 'all my love is in my wozza' this was our song. I miss my Scotty G more than I can ever admit because the pain runs that deep and it's the worst pain I've ever felt

Blondie

Ain't it funny that my new friends didn't recognise me in a photo from home cause I've got red hair and very pale skin. Whereas now I'm tanned and almost blonde. Never thought that'd be me but I want the Aussie beach babe look!
I'm having a lot of fun in Melbourne with my Melby family, I'm having a great time being one of the lads. I don't ever need to make an effort appearance wise and they do look after me. Saturday night was welsh Paul's birthday so we went to a club and danced all night. On the way home the boys were running through the park topless trying to catch possums. I wouldn't get that if I was with the girls. I am so excited for Von coming down though for some best mate bonding :)

I'm not working for the funeral place no more I'm just doing odd jobs round the city which is good cause it makes me see the whole thing. Was working at a festival called soundwave last week in the catering tent. Helping prepare food for Metallica and blink 182. I made a fruit salad for Metallica!
Can you believe I have a cold? It's not been below 30c all week and I've managed to catch a cold. I feel awful I forgot what it felt like :( ach well ill get through it.

I gotta plan

I have got one hell of a hangover today. Went to meet a friend I met on the farm for a quick drink at 2:30pm an didn't get home till after 1am! Was one of those days.
So the new jobs going good I'm working in the kitchen which is great also waitressing and organising the functions. Only thing is its in a commiserations centre and they only cater for one type of function. Funerals. First funeral I done was really hard I just wanted to cry with everyone else but after the first 10 mins I was fine. I'm a professional and I got on with it.
I'm really enjoying life right now especially since I've worked out a plan. I'll be home in November or December when my visas. up. I'm loving this still but I'm so excited to see my family. That's gonna be an amazing moment when we're reunited.
So it's Melbourne till June and I'm gonna squeeze in a few weekend trips to Adelaide and great ocean road etc whilst I'm working. Then Queensland to do cairns, Great Barrier Reef, Brisbane and surfers paradise. Thailand then home. I like living in the present not the future and not really knowing what I'm doing but I gotta admit it is better having a plan and knowing what I'm doing.

Up and down.

I've been up and down more times than a yoyo this week. One of the main reason being it was valentines day and Scott was always a big fan of that day, he was such a romantic at times. He'd always buy me sweets just because. When it was that time of the month he'd always get my 'period pack' which was drugs, chocolate, a hot water bottle and magazines to cheer me up. Little things like that that he did was what made him so special. I miss him so much it's like a knife in the heart everytime I think about it. This pain and grief is so much different from when I lost my gran and and a friend. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy and until it happens you'll never know. It really is one of the worst agonies in life. Last couple of days I've been feeling better and more positive about going forward with my grief.

I start my new job tomorrow, it's in a cafe and its full time so it's gonna be hard doing full time employment again it's been a long while. I've just got back from having a BBQ in the park with friends i and I've been to the beach 3 times this week. I bloody love Australia!

Travellers checklist

As I was trying to find my way along the street yesterday using a map I realised something. I can read a map! I can actually use it and find my way about with one. That's a massive achievement for me, I'd normally look at a map feel my head go fuzzy and ask for directions. In general if it wasn't for google maps I'd still be cowering in the corner of my first hostel scared to leave incase I got lost. What an absolute godsend that app is.
Essential items for travelling.
• Deck of cards - long bus journeys, in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do and my favourite of course drinking games. One of my favourite things I've picked up is i can now tell you at least a dozen drinking games with a set of cards that'll get you wasted.
• A smart phone of some kind with 3G so you can access Facebook, email, google maps and the Internet all by using McDonald's free wifi rather than paying $4 for it somewhere.
• As much as I hate to say it, plain and practical clothes. You ain't gonna wear those heels and that dress but you can't bear to throw them out so you carry them around with you like dead weight.
• Tupperware. Strange one that but some hostels don't have adequate crockery and you can eat and cook most things in a microwave with it. Plus you can put a personal note on top so when it's in the fridge it warns off thieves. Mines says. Wozza's lunch touch and die. No ones ever took it ;)
• Something that reminds you of home. I've got a lovely book from a friend full of
Photos and it really helps on those days I'm homesick.

3 weeks to go till I go to Sydney and I really can't wait. I don't know why I'm just not feeling this city, it's just a city. I think it's because it's just tall buildings, offices and shops. There's no culture or history here and it's apparent their trying to make this a new and trendy place to be. I mean they have all the big festivals, the Australian open and the Grand Prix here which is cool but that's it.
Registered with an agency and have my induction tomorrow so hopefully working by the weekend, feel bizarre not working and it's only been a week. Might aswell live the dream properly and go to the beach at the end of the week :)

Bed bugs

So I got bed bugs. To anyone other than a backpacker that seems like a fate worse than death. To me it's just like getting a mosquito bite or a child getting headlice, it's one of those things that happen in hostels. So I've been in Melbourne for 6 days now and I'm liking it. Been out on the town 3 nights with some new friends I've made, been to the beach and even been productive by doing my RSA (responsible service of alcohol course) and I have 2 interviews tomorrow. One for a cafe and one for a bar? Fingers crossed.
I've met a great group of guys which is a mixture or Brits, Irish, and kiwis. It seems since I started travelling I've become one of the lads, whereas back home I'm more a girls girl. How things change.
I'm kinda at a cross roads right now as to what to do with my life. I feel like right now I'm just floating around and don't know what I'm doing, in a way that's exactly true. In the past week I've stayed in 4 different hostels, in the past 6 months I've stayed in 20 hostels. That's packing my stuff up and moving 20 times. Sometimes along the street, to a different city and once a different country. No wonder I feel unsettled. I don't wanna end my trip yet but it maybe sooner than the 2 years I planned to be away for. Family is the most important thing in my life and being away from them is so hard.

You have been evicted.

I've escaped! I'm currently in a hostel in Melbourne on chapel street and I'm so happy! Sod my second year visa I'm not doing that bloody back breaking, low paid hellish job again. We all had a few drinks on the balcony last night for Sharon leaving and she convinced me to leave and that I was wasting my time there. So I got up this morning, packed my bag and left. I love that I can do that with my life, that I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow never mind next week. So I'm going to get a job and stay in Melbourne till march and give this city a chance. I was unfair to this place because of what I seen today I think I'll love it. It's an awesome looking place and the men are hot!
The 2nd year visa debate was hot with everyone trying to get me to stay but I've still got till November in Oz so there's no rush. Plus as much as I love this country it's travelling I really love and I don't wanna commit myself to one country in this big world for so long. I had a great time in Tatura and its an experience ill never forget but it was time to move on. Von and Chris are still there so it's back to travelling on my own which I'm excited about.

1st Febuary

When you pick tomatoes it's the back of your thighs that hurt, when you weed it's the front of your thighs, chipping grass it's your whole arms like shooting pains and when you pick zucchinis it's your lower back. Always a new pain and muscle hurting from this rotten job. It's ok in the morning when you first start but by the time it hits 11am and the suns up and the flys are out in full force it's hell. We usually finish by 1pm which is good cause it's too hot to continue working but by then you're so exhausted to even think about doing anything with your afternoon. Sometimes we go to the pool to soothe are aches away but at $4 a go we can't afford it all the time. The hostels very small and we're all cramped in here with the balcony for a social area which is nice to chill with a beer and see the sun go down or see the stars when it's set. There's about 40 of us here and we're all one big family with so many nationalitys which I love. The only thing that's getting to me is the boredom. There's nothing in this town to do!
I'm leaving in 5 weeks. My job in Sydney phoned and offered me work in March the first one being at the future music festival and the other a 3 week festival for Easter. So I'm heading back the 6th March and I can't wait :) already got my nights out and reunions planned with my friends there. I'm dreaming of Bondi beach and sunbathing in the park. Walking down to the harbour and seeing the bridge and the opera house. I love Sydney it's favourite city after Edinburgh.

<3

I used to call him my cookie monster. He absolutely loved cookies but they had to be soft, like the ones you got in packs of 4 from asda. I'd forgotten this until I bought a packet of cookies today and took a bite. I keep racking my brain to remember everything about him and I can't, then I'll do or have something he loved and it all comes back to me. I remember the sound of his laugh and his eyes, the most beautiful blue eyes you'd ever seen that I could spend days just looking into. His thick hair that would curl if he let it grow too long. That bloody massive tattoo on his shoulder that I'd always call a disgrace but I'd love to trace my fingers round the lines I could probably draw it from memory. He absolutely loved space and the stars, the stars here are like nothing I've ever seen before. I don't know I'd it's because I'm in the southern hemisphere and you can see them better but every night their so bright and so many. I used to love looking up at the stars with him and he'd name them all but most of all ill never forget how I felt everytime he said I love you. I know my action might not have changed the outcome but I'll always think what if? And always wished I'd spoke to him one last time and let him know how much I loved him. I don't remember the last words I said to him and I hate it. He was my one

Travel

P.s you're an inspiration living out your travelling dreams.
That's what an old friend wrote on my Facebook at the end of a birthday message. What a lovely thing to say, I hope I have inspired some people to chase their dreams and make them reality. Life is so short and can change in an instant. I plan to live every single one of my dreams and always aspire to be happy. When people ask me what my goals in life are I always say to be happy and travel the world. My list of places I wanna visit increases everytime I meet someone new, right now I wanna visit Asia, Canada, south America and see Europe properly. Canada is the top of my list because me and Scott always planned to go there, I promised i'd live our dream and I have too. I wanna do one of these volunteer charity missions, I wanna help people and be completely selfless. All my dreams involve travel I wish I could incorporate a career with this great love.

Big brother

Feeling really down today. Could feel myself wanting to break down in the zucchini field at work today but I managed to hold it together. Now back at the hostel I've just spent the whole afternoon on my own, I've not broken down yet but I think that's just the lack of privacy. I don't want anyone to know why I'm upset.
Can't even read Cosmo because it's all about relationships and being in love, the usual. Plus this issue is a wedding special and it hurts to even look at it knowing I'll never marry who I want. It's bad times when you can't even read a magazine without getting upset. I'm also so bored in Tatura that it's making it worse. I've nothing to keep me occupied as I'm stuck in this wee one street town. I go to work and i'm left with my thoughts all day cause I'm in a field basically working on my own picking vegetables or weeding. I come back to the hostel and we've nowhere really to go except the pool. It's like being in the big brother house we sleep, eat, socialise and work together. It's a lovely bunch of people but the bitching is terrible. I'm sick of listening to stupid complaining and talk about work. I wanna head back to the city and get a normal job but I also don't wanna give up on getting my 2nd year visa incase I wanna stay here longer. I hate being so lost and not knowing what to do to help myself.

Birthday :)

I just had the most vivid dream that I was with Scott, but I've forgotten what it was. All I remember is it was amazing and now it's gone. Please come back to me my love I hope that was you telling me that you're ok.
That was only a little catnap but it was the best sleep I've had in months. I don't sleep so well anymore now that you're gone, no matter how tired I am. You just get used to running on empty.
Ever have that hollow feeling like your emotions are so exhausted you just can't feel anything? That's how I feel right now it's been a good but tiring weekend. Being away from my twin on my birthday wasn't good, the first one we'd spent apart. Being away from my family in general when I know they were altogether having fun. I'm not homesick but I miss my family and friends like mad. I've gotten used to being away from them and not speaking to them all the time. Chris and Von and the new friends I meet in the hostel are my family right now. My best friend from Sydney, Danny who I shared a room with for 2 months suprised me and arrived in Tatura yesterday. Was amazing to see him and I'm so glad he's here.
My birthday weekend was really good and I'm glad I spent it where I did. Being in the sun when usually I'll always have snow was great. I woke up at 5am to go to work and decided I wasnt picking tomatoes on my birthday so me and Von pulled a sickie and went back to bed! Woke up and went for a birthday lunch which was a real treat cause I had chicken which we don't eat as its too expensive! How to make my day so far even more perfect? A day at the pool. Which is outdoors and is really nice with sunbathing areas. Also cause it was Australia day the lifeguards gave us a free BBQ. Was perfect just the girls sunbathing and going in when we got to hot, no boys to splash us or throw us in. Back to the hostel about 4pm to start the drinking game and get ready. I had an Aussie flag made into a dress and out came the face paint. What happens when you give a group of drunk adults face paint? They draw willies and abusive words all over each other. I just wrote I heart wozza over everyone :)
None of us won the mechanical bull contest but I tell you my legs are still killing me from holding on so tight. Surrounded by new and old friends, drinks were flowing and dancing to the jukebox it was a great night. To top it off I fell asleep hugging the toilet as drinking and spinning on a bull is a recipe for disaster! Was woken up by the bar maid and ordered to bed. You always get so drunk at your own birthday you can't remember a thing, I prefer other people's birthdays their great fun.

Being Scottish

Happy Robert burns. The day we celebrate our national poet and remember why it's great to be Scottish. I love Scotland and it will always be home, there's no place like it. We're a country full of tradition and culture, people I meet are always so curious about kilts and haggis and I love to tell them all about it. They get so excited 'oh wow you're Scottish, that's so cool!' they recite braveheart and trainspotting or Och aye the noo! How can you not feel proud of such to be from such an amazing country?

When I was still in the UK I would hear on almost a daily basis about these foreigners coming over and stealing all our jobs. I'm now one of those people. There's a lot of narrow minded aussies that hate us Brits being in their country and working here. It can be quite hurtful to be on the receiving end of these comments when all I wanna do is work and see this beautiful place. I love it here why wouldn't you want someone who appreciates your country so much in it? Next time you open you're mouth to utter a racist comment or agree with someone think about it. That person just wants to earn a living and be happy just like you.

Getting over you.

They say it takes a year to really start getting over someone. You've gotta go thru every holiday, birthday and memorable dates without that person for the first time. Scott used to spoil me rotten on my birthday and valentines day, I think he was trying to make up for the life we had. People say to me you couldn't live like that and it was extremely hard but what people don't understand was i still saw Scott. He was drunk but he was still the man I loved, and I truly loved him with all my heart. I still do. We'd get lost in each other, laugh until we cried. His favourite colour was orange, his favourite film was Apollo 13. He bought me teddy bears all the time but he loved them more than I did, he'd take anything apart then put it back together again cause he wanted to see how it worked. His favourite dinner was sausage casserole which he'd make me make all the time!
He was completely lost and a prisoner to his addiction but I hope I made it a tiny bit easier by being there for him. I regret so much that I didn't get to tell him how much I loved him and that I would have come back to him after this trip.
That I wanted to spend my life with him, I was taking this trip to get myself back together. I honestly believed in him that'd he'd beat it. What do you do and how do you get over such a great loss like this? Am I destined to feel like this forevermore? Life is one heck of a ride.

Weeding.

We've got a new job. Rather than picking the tomatoes we're now pulling out the weeds that are stealing the tomato plants water. We're working for a different farmer and it's for an hourly rate which is like winning the lottery round here. I got chatting to a farmer in the bar on Saturday night and just thought he was trying to chat me up but turned out he genuinely
wanted to give us a job. It's tough work but our boss is great, takes us for coffee in the morning and for beers after work. Makes me wanna work hard for him and I know I'm gonna get paid. I'm gonna try and stick this out, my incentive is Queensland. I've tore a picture out a brochure and stuck it on the wall to remind me what I'm working for. Drinking a cocktail in a bar by the beach on surfers paradise (alcohol ain't allowed on the beaches of OZ) and getting over my fear
of the sea and snorkelling at the great barrier reef. Perfect.

So I've had a lovely day off today, I went shopping in the nearby town of Shepperton with Carol and Von where I got a new towel and a pillow. Was about time I bought a pillow since I've been sleeping a week without one. Usually a hostel will provide one but this one says it's an extra and wanna charge $6 for one. It's the principle I never bought one I went to K Mart instead. Shepperton is 20km from Tatura and there's no buses, we got a lift in but for the way back we thought we'd try our hand at hitch hiking. We walked to the main road out the town and just kinda stood there, looking at each other what do we do next? So the 3 of us were just kinda looking at the cars then back at each other awkwardly thinking who's gonna stick their thumb out. After 5 minutes of nothing we thought we'll head back and wait for the hostel manager to come get us. So we turned round to walk back and a car pulled up. Yes! Someone's stopped for us so we all head to the car and the men put the windows down, thinking this is weird their wearing suits.
They flashed something round their necks and all I seem was the world constable. Oh no! You ok girls? Yeah we're just waiting on a lift and thought we'd walk along. Hitch hiking is illegal in Victoria. Played dumb and we got away with it. Our first time trying it and we got caught!
Played the pub quiz in the bar downstairs and came 2nd last, which is worse than last cause the losers got a free jug. Next week we ain't even trying.

Dirty feet.

I can't remember the last time my feet were clean. That's the statement my roommate Emma just came out with and I can relate to that. It's so dusty and dry where we are its impossible not be covered head to toe in it. And the dirt here's red. So it looks even worse.
Small town Australia. That's where I am now in a wee town called Tatura. It's got one main street with a pub, a few bakers, some nick nacky shops and a supermarket. We have to start work at 6am and do the worst work in the blazing hot sun but what really makes up for it is the people in the hostel. What a fantastic mix of people we have in our group, we're really keeping each other going.
I've thought of a plan. I'm declaring a war on life and I tell you I'm gonna win this one. I know where I wanna go and what I wanna do and I'll do it. Throw what you like at me and I'll always stay upright! It sounds so cliche to say this about travelling but I've really discovered who I am and what I want. Meeting people from the world over, seeing new places and doing things I never. thought I'd do have really helped shape the new me. God I sound like a big brother reject!

I've just come upto bed from the bar downstairs where we all sat under the stars drinking beer and sharing stories of our travels and lives back home. One thing that was said and is very true is backpackers live in a different world, we scrimp and we save living in hostels and eating pasta and super noodles so that we have money for beer. The other day when we were all chilling in the hostel the local priest came in with loaves of bread and rolls, someone had donated it to the welfare and the church was giving it to us. You could say that was a low point for us being given charity bread but we were all just delighted and ran off to make toast!
You've got two types of people, people who travel and people who don't, and when you've got the bug I don't think you ever lose it.

Fruit picking

I have a new found appreciation for anyone who's ever picked fruit, and I mean that. I just took a moment to think of the poor sod who picked my apple and the other poor sod who had to put the sticker on. Why am I suddenly going on about that? Because I just done a day tomato picking. The worst job I've ever done in my life and I'm not joking.
We started work at 6am and it all started fine with the farmer explaining what size and colour to pick (not the red ones you gotta pick the green ones) issuing us our bins we had to fill, they were a metre by a metre about that deep. We'd get $65 a bin and we were to work in groups of 4. Easy money! We'd pick loads and make a fortune. Yeah right. It's back breaking work because you're constantly bending over searching through the bushes trying t find the ones that are ready. Up and down and moving along. You get excited when you fill your first tub and you take it over to the bin and throw it in and it doesn't even make a dent. Ok so this may be harder than we thought. It took the 4 of us 3 hours to fill one. So the farmer moved us over to the next crop which was bell tomatoes. Took us 3 hours to do half a bin. It was soul destroying, it was the last pick of the crop so there was barely anything. I lost the will to live. Today we made $24 each. 6 hours work working in the sun with no shade with temperatures upto 45c and covered on flies all day for $24! I'm starting to rethink if I can do another 87 days of this or if I wanna just leave my 2nd year visa.

Quarter life plus one crisis.

As you do everytime it comes upto your birthday you look at your life and see how you're doing. I'm going to be 26 and let's look at the general basics. Single, unemployed, no money and homeless. My assets, one backpack and a Juicy Couture handbag. Clothes I'm so sick of looking at and wearing. If you looked at all my Facebook pictures from the last 5 months you'd think they were all taken within a week. My shoes the soles so thin I might aswell be barefoot and they turn my feet black like a cheap ring. My hairbrush with a broken handle. The only nice things I own is my makeup, and that's running low. Writing all this down my life seems awful. I could be living in extreme poverty. In actual fact I've got a life people dream of, I'm in Australia. I'm a backpacker. My main goal is too see the world and have fun. I get a job to save for a trip to a new destination. I sleep in a bunkbed in a room with at least 7 other people at a time. I've met people from all over the world and learnt things I'd only learn from a trip like this. I've shared a room with pilots to journalists, lawyers to plumbers, and met people from Ecuador to Fiji. I don't care about keeping up with the latest fashion or what the celebs are doing. When you live out a backpack for 5 months and don't own anything then possessions become trivial to you. My diet consists of toast, cereal and pasta. I've turned myself into a vegetarian and I've not even meant it. It used to annoy me when people put pictures of their dinner on Facebook now it just makes me jealous. I don't eat nice food anymore.
I taught myself to like beer when I got to new Zealand because it was cheap, now in Australia we get a 4 litre box of wine also known as goon for $9. Blows your head off! This all might sound like hell to you but add in endless sunny days and it's perfect. It's a life worth living and a regret I'll never have.

:(.......

Life is cruel and it's hard. Where's the justice in life when someone as sweet, funny and as caring as my Scott can witness such an incident and feel so guilty and bad about it he loses everything because he constantly tries to hide the pain. The council were fined £80,000 for that incident, I'd pay that money now if that was all the punishment from this mess we were to receive. I would do anything to just have one more minute with him. I'm a mess, an absolute mess. If anyone was to come into my head even for 30 seconds it'd probably drive you insane. Keeping a smile on your face and purposely pushing yourself forward in life to stop yourself from going backwards is exhausting. I know Scott would absolutely hate to see me sad and always just wanted to see me happy but that kinda statement doesn't help when your heart is broken, its hard to be happy. I walk around like I don't have a care in the world and meet new people have fun with them, hiding this in my heart because it just makes people feel umcomfortable when they ask about life back home and I tell them. I've taken to having a moment on my own each day where I go for a walk and let all the tears out.
One thing I've taken from this is now I have no fear about anything, I've been to my lowest point and have felt pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy that nothing scares me because I can't feel any worse. Things that would have previously scared me are no big deal to me now. Travelling on my own, being on my own in general and up for trying anything because life is too short to not do as much as you can.
Who knows when I'll be brave enough to return home. When I'll feel strong enough I can face the demons waiting there for me. I miss my family and friends so much but I need this trip to help me heal. I need to realise where I'm going and what I'm doing. The life I had can no longer be possible and that's hard for me to accept. Sounds so cliche but I'm lost and I need to find my way back. Scotty G has taken my map.

A town called nowhere

Ok so we're on a train to a place called Shepperton it's 3 hours from Melbourne and its definitely in the sticks! We have no work and no money so we're pretty desperate. All we have is a hostel booked. Which is an hour walk from the train station and some guy told us its 44c there. I'm hungover and exhausted after last nights goon antics. Got wasted playing a game where you can't open your eyes till you've finished your drink. I tell you when you're backpacking you come up with some games to keep you entertained! Went out in Melbourne and could find no clubs open so we ended up getting a donut and heading back. Didn't think much of Melbourne it's completely different from Sydney very contemporary and arty. Don't know if I'm just bias cause I loved Sydney so much but I won't be hurrying back to Melbourne.
Small town Oz here we come! Uh oh it's gonna be spider central! :(

Bye Sydney

I'm sitting in the park in the blazing hot sun listening to a band play. It's one of the many free festivals they put on in Sydney. Life is pretty good if you look at it, and it is. I have a heavy heart because I'm leaving tomorrow for Melbourne. As excited as I am I don't wanna leave, I've fell in love with this city. It's an amazing place, from the tall buildings to the opera house, the beaches to the beautiful parks it's just perfect. I've had some great times here.
I'm leaving to go to victoria to find fruit picking work to get my second year visa. 3 months of hard physical work for an extra year in Australia. Hope it's worth it!

How I got here.....

I'll never forget that moment. Lying in bed in the hostel waiting on Von finishing work, we were having a much needed girls night. Leo and chris were getting on at me to get up and get some energy but I was in a lazy mood. It was 7.30pm in NZ and the UK is 12 hours behind so I was very suprised to see my sister was phoning so early in the morning. Answering the phone happy to hear from her she delivered the news that broke my heart and changed my life forever. Scott had died. Scott. My Scott. My Scotty G. The only man I've ever loved and was planning to go back to after I'd been travelling. His body had finally succumbed to the abuse. My love wasn't enough to save him.
I don't remember the rest of that phone call but I remember the moments after. Shouting for Chris and him being sick at the news. Asking the guys to go get me a drink as i needed one to stop the shaking, collapsing to the ground unable to breathe because I was in so much pain. I remember sitting with Von drinking wine and trying to make sense of it all. My phone going crazy with txts and phone calls with people wanting to know if I was ok? Of course I wasn't! I wanted to throw my phone out the window I couldn't take people's sympathy because it made it more real. We weren't married and technically we weren't together but I sill feel like a wido at 25.
It's over 2 months on and I feel that people think I should be over it by now so I don't speak about it. I feel like a fraud because we'd broken up. Truth is though my heart is still completely broken. When he died he took a piece of my heart that'll always belong to him. A part that'll never heal. To symbolise that I got a tattoo of a heart in an intimate place only for him.
NZ to me is where my world changed, where I felt my absolute worst. A beautiful country that I had some of the best times of my life in. All that is now overshadowed. 3 weeks after it happened I was on a flight to Sydney on my own. I needed to get out there on my own and try make sense of it all. For a while it seemed to work, I was caught up in the excitement of everything new and making friends. Yet sometimes I'd sit in the park and cry for hours. I still do. I'm just so overwhelmed that one minute I love life and I'm really having a great time travelling and the next I just wanna leave all this pain and go home to where my family can help me. People call me strong. I don't think I am I just keep going because if I stop and let myself break down I don't think I'll come back.
My family and friends mean the world to me and their love is enough for me. I don't want any other kind of love in my life for me I'm done. I wanna find joy in spending time with them and discovering new things in life. That way there's no chance of being hurt like this again.
Here's to travelling and the next chapter.