I'll never forget that moment. Lying in bed in the hostel waiting on Von finishing work, we were having a much needed girls night. Leo and chris were getting on at me to get up and get some energy but I was in a lazy mood. It was 7.30pm in NZ and the UK is 12 hours behind so I was very suprised to see my sister was phoning so early in the morning. Answering the phone happy to hear from her she delivered the news that broke my heart and changed my life forever. Scott had died. Scott. My Scott. My Scotty G. The only man I've ever loved and was planning to go back to after I'd been travelling. His body had finally succumbed to the abuse. My love wasn't enough to save him.
I don't remember the rest of that phone call but I remember the moments after. Shouting for Chris and him being sick at the news. Asking the guys to go get me a drink as i needed one to stop the shaking, collapsing to the ground unable to breathe because I was in so much pain. I remember sitting with Von drinking wine and trying to make sense of it all. My phone going crazy with txts and phone calls with people wanting to know if I was ok? Of course I wasn't! I wanted to throw my phone out the window I couldn't take people's sympathy because it made it more real. We weren't married and technically we weren't together but I sill feel like a wido at 25.
It's over 2 months on and I feel that people think I should be over it by now so I don't speak about it. I feel like a fraud because we'd broken up. Truth is though my heart is still completely broken. When he died he took a piece of my heart that'll always belong to him. A part that'll never heal. To symbolise that I got a tattoo of a heart in an intimate place only for him.
NZ to me is where my world changed, where I felt my absolute worst. A beautiful country that I had some of the best times of my life in. All that is now overshadowed. 3 weeks after it happened I was on a flight to Sydney on my own. I needed to get out there on my own and try make sense of it all. For a while it seemed to work, I was caught up in the excitement of everything new and making friends. Yet sometimes I'd sit in the park and cry for hours. I still do. I'm just so overwhelmed that one minute I love life and I'm really having a great time travelling and the next I just wanna leave all this pain and go home to where my family can help me. People call me strong. I don't think I am I just keep going because if I stop and let myself break down I don't think I'll come back.
My family and friends mean the world to me and their love is enough for me. I don't want any other kind of love in my life for me I'm done. I wanna find joy in spending time with them and discovering new things in life. That way there's no chance of being hurt like this again.
Here's to travelling and the next chapter.
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