:(.......

Life is cruel and it's hard. Where's the justice in life when someone as sweet, funny and as caring as my Scott can witness such an incident and feel so guilty and bad about it he loses everything because he constantly tries to hide the pain. The council were fined £80,000 for that incident, I'd pay that money now if that was all the punishment from this mess we were to receive. I would do anything to just have one more minute with him. I'm a mess, an absolute mess. If anyone was to come into my head even for 30 seconds it'd probably drive you insane. Keeping a smile on your face and purposely pushing yourself forward in life to stop yourself from going backwards is exhausting. I know Scott would absolutely hate to see me sad and always just wanted to see me happy but that kinda statement doesn't help when your heart is broken, its hard to be happy. I walk around like I don't have a care in the world and meet new people have fun with them, hiding this in my heart because it just makes people feel umcomfortable when they ask about life back home and I tell them. I've taken to having a moment on my own each day where I go for a walk and let all the tears out.
One thing I've taken from this is now I have no fear about anything, I've been to my lowest point and have felt pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy that nothing scares me because I can't feel any worse. Things that would have previously scared me are no big deal to me now. Travelling on my own, being on my own in general and up for trying anything because life is too short to not do as much as you can.
Who knows when I'll be brave enough to return home. When I'll feel strong enough I can face the demons waiting there for me. I miss my family and friends so much but I need this trip to help me heal. I need to realise where I'm going and what I'm doing. The life I had can no longer be possible and that's hard for me to accept. Sounds so cliche but I'm lost and I need to find my way back. Scotty G has taken my map.