I seem to be having what you might call an identity crisis, I feel I'm losing who and what I am by being home. I'm being conned back into what you may call real life again I don't like it. When I was away I was so happy and what I think is the real me. Life was stripped bare of what some people may deem essentials and I lived and loved with what I had. Barely any material possessions and just life to make me happy.
I don't want to confirm to the social norm. I'm what some might call a free spirit. I don't wanna settle in the country I was born, get a "good" job, marry and have kids. I'm past that. I had the love of my life and he's gone. I feel suffocated being back in this life, feel pressured to want this kinda life. I know it's hard for some of my loved ones to understand the life I want because they've never experienced the life I've had. I think to find the real me you'd have to meet ,me whilst I'm travelling and living the list to the fullest. I truly love life and even with the cruelest card I've been dealt I'm still positive I can have a great life. Just not at home. I'm destined for more than this. That maybe hard to hear to my family that I feel the real me is a whole world away from them.
 I sometimes feel like the odd one out and I do compare myself to my brother and sister all the time, I know I shouldn't but I do. My sister is a picture of happiness and has found her true prince in her husband Gordon. A fantastic person who I couldn't wish more for my sister. They are both so in love and perfect together it makes anyone envious. They both have great jobs and my sister is close to following her dreams and true calling with her work. My brother who is a PHD student and also a competitive bodybuilder also so close to achieving his dream. He's got a wonderful supportive partner Holly a trainee nurse and an amazing person inside and out, she's another sister to me. I sometimes wonder what they think of me. But then is seeing the world and really living outside the box a bad thing? Why does not confirming to the social norm see such a scary prospect to some people? Especially when it's me living it, not them?
I know how short life is. I know how your whole world can be ripped apart from one phone call. I don't have any fear anymore. I've been at my lowest so I'm not afraid to put myself out there and take a massive risk in life ignoring the possible consequences. Living life afraid to take risks is a pretty boring life.
I miss Scott more than anything in the world. I miss him at the times you wouldn't expect and it's like a knife to the heart. I just want to make him and my family proud of me. He was never a risk taker, It was always me pushing our decisions. One joint dream we always had together was living in Canada. It's why I want to go. I really wanna live out all his dreams for him and his family.
I lived out one of his dreams yesterday, It was to get a motorbike, I compromised by going on my dads bike with him. I loved him, Absolutely loved it! I know Scott would have loved going on it too. I often said to him when he mentioned getting his bike license that to speak to my dad as he was a keen biker.
I really loved it, I felt free! A really addictive feeling and one I love, being free and on the road. Scott would have loved it and I can picture his smile and reaction now.
I need to try and deal with great loss and find Wozza again, I miss her.