+1

Want to know its like in my shoes? It's bloody painful and confusing. Imagine you've just split up with your partner and its not what you want but it's maybe for the best. Now imagine you're on your dream trip. Travelling and seeing a world you and people around you have only dreamed of. You're really having the time of your life, but the partner you split up with he's always on your mind. You're gonna go back to him. Now imagine you're on top of the world, you never knew life could be so good and you'd see such amazing things. 

Your life's shattered. Your partner that you weren't sure of splitting up with and you were going to go back to is dead. He died without you. While you were on top of the world he was dying. What a regret. There was no point coming home because there was nothing you could do so you drifted from place to place. People said you were strong but that's a load of shit you were just surviving. 

You come home and everyone seems to have moved on its old news whereas you've lost the love of your life and its the worst pain you've ever felt. It's like a knife to the heart everytime you think of him. Everytime you see something that reminds you of him, everytime you want him to take your hand or give you a cuddle only he could give. 

Ha! You'll just move on and adjust. They think it's that easy! I would never want anyone I love to feel this pain I have of losing a partner, just pray and wish you go first. 

America, fuck you!

America, fuck you! I used to always sing this to my two American friends will and Dave. This is my 4th time in Florida and I've been to Vegas once, so even though I've not visited all over the country I do know I don't wanna live here. I did for a long time and Scott did aswell but the American dream is all about working all hours under the sun and to me I couldn't think of anything worse. Plus Americans are loud and obnoxious and I must be the only one who comes to this country and loses weight cause I hate the food. It big greasy horrible portions. I love Florida but ill stick to holidays. 

Gone

Yeah, yeah yeah I know I'm like a broken record but I am actually broken. When you lose a partner you also lose a future. Me and Scott had a future planned together and now it's gone. I opened an email I'd sent to Siobhan this time last year detailing my plan to go meet him in Canada round about February this year. Wow it hurt to see it, a life we'd planned together gone. 

Even when I left all I wanted was him. All I told family and friends about it was that we weren't over and all I wanted was him. I'm sure they just nodded their heads or tried to make me see differently but only I knew how much I loved him. I don't regret going away but I'll always have that regret of not being there and could I of made a difference? 

Abercrombie and Fitch

Abercrombie and Fitch have been upset alot of people with their values and morals but yesterday they upset me in a completely different way. It was Scott's favourite shop, he'd spend at least an hour in their everytime and most of his clothes were from there. Going in yesterday really shook me. I ended up getting a hoodie that he himself would have picked out and cause it his the aftershave on it, it reminds me of him. Funny how being in this villa and all the talk of him is a comfort to me but a shop hits me in the face like a brick. Grief is not a textbook emotion.

I'm having a really good time here and it's nice that its so familiar to me, I'm having a proper rest and getting to relax which I've needed for some time. We've been shopping and I got a new juicy couture handbag, a beautiful Armani dress for Gina's wedding and new Mac makeup. We've had a manicure and a pedicure. Alot of lounging by the pool reading and chatting. I've been good to myself and had luxuries I've not been able to afford being away. 

Orlando

I'm currently lying on a sun lounger by the pool in Orlando, it's just after 10am but its already roasting hot. Jealous much? Don't be. I wouldn't say I had an envious life. On the outside looking in I suppose it looks not bad but inside my head it really hurts and it's terrifiying. As someone who's prone to depression already as I've already suffered from it I'm very alert to how I'm feeling and trying to differentiate grief from feeling down. I feel like saying cry me a river that to help me grieve and face reality I'm in Florida where me and Scott had some if our happiest times. But it's bloody hard and weird being here without him. I keep expecting him to come sit beside me or be in watching some big trial on the tv. It's also not completely sad. There's great memories in every corner of this house, in every spot I can remember a laugh, a conversation or a moment with him. I know he was with us last night when he arrived as there was a massive thunderstorm and he loved them, he'd make me sit out and watch them. The past couple of days have been so hard again I just wish I knew how to get through it that as they say doesn't "just take time"

Florida

Off to Florida tomorrow. Willie and Linda's villa for 8 days. I was up there last night for dinner and their going on Saturday, they offered to take me and I thought why not I've nothing else to do next week as I have no job. Only been back 9 days and I'm away again it's crazy! Ill have flown all the way round I the world in 10 days and I was off long haul flights for a while. It's something I need to do though, I need to spend time with willie and Linda for the 3 of us sake. We were the closest to Scott and the ones hurting the most. Also at the villa in Florida is where we had some of our happiest memories together, before I came back I struggled to think of things anything to remind me of Scott and it frustrated me that i couldn't. Being home I'm surrounded and it's nice but it's hard,  it's been 8 months but it still feels like it was last week it happened. You just need to get used to that person not being there and cancel the future with them. Linda said to me yesterday at some point ill have to move on and it's true but no way can I do that anytime soon. I don't wanna fall in love again as I don't want the pain that goes with it, the worry and anxiety that I won't just lose them again. How on earth do you let loose after such a trauma? Nah I'm no where near ready but that's ok, I have enough people round me to compensate. 

My Scotty G I love you and miss you even more than I could begin to know as you would say to the moon and back. My love, my life you were my favourite xxxxxxxx

:/

I have this horrendous pain in my chest, I have no appetite, I can't sleep and I'm struggling to really even be happy these past days. I keep slipping and I'm struggling to pull myself up again, I try not to be crabbit or moany to those around me but when your heart is broken into a million pieces and there's no glue to fix it how can you? I feel like everything I used to love is so trivial now, Like getting my hair done or my eyebrows. Things I used to love and follow up religiously is now pointless and a waste of time. I suppose its good in a way that I'm not so concerned about appearance as I once was. All I wanna do is get lost in books and escape reality, I don't regret coming home but I never expected it to be as hard as this. I've cried more than a handful of times today. Yesterday I was bent over in pain hardly able to breathe with grief, One minute I'm minding my own business and the next I'm inconsolable.

So I'm applying for every job I can find to try and gain some employment. There's not alot in Livingston so I'm applying to jobs in Aberdeen aswell, Hoping to get something in catering or hospitality. I don't want a conventional office job, I can't think of anything worse so I'm applying for live in positions, jobs with oil companies and looking to see how I get on the boats or the rigs.
Spent the weekend in Aberdeen with my brother and sister and had a lovely time it was great to see them again. Me and Karen went out to the Deeside on sunday which is the cairngorms and on the way back stopped at a few castles and a secret waterfall, was awesome. I'm really appreciating how green and pretty Scotland is after being away for so long and seeing completely different scenery.
Ah well Fingers crossed next time I write  this I'm employed as tomorrow I'm going to sign on and I'm not looking forward to it!

Back to blighty

So I'm home. Been back 4 days and I feel like I've never left. It weird but also nice. Had a very tearful Hollywood style reunion at the airport, my mum, dad and Gemma were there with a banner saying welcome home Caroline. I just walked out arrivals seen them and the banner and burst into tears. Was a long trip home but was made easier by some very kind individuals. I'd booked a hotel room close to the airport just to make it easier in the morning and not a wild last night in Oz which it would have been of I'd got a hostel. I'd basically just booked a room with a single bed in it but when I arrived after a 5 hour bus journey from chinchilla and then a train and another bus to the hotel I was shattered. I got speaking to the owner whilst she was checking me in telling her all about my travels and it was my last night in Oz so she upgraded me to a deluxe room. Same as at the airport I was chatting to the women at check in and she upgraded me to premium economy. Score! 

It's hit me like a ton of bricks coming back and facing upto the reality of Scott being gone. I've went back to before when I wear sunglasses cos it means I can cry in public and no one knows. I just can't believe he's not here anymore and it hurts more than imaginable. I did go an see Willie and Linda last night which I really enjoyed, it was emotional at times but it'll be like that for a while. Now it's really time for me to grieve. I've never really had the chance being away and on my own.