Party

Tonight has been a hard one. It was one of Scott's best friends engagement party so I went along especially to keep the side up. First flood of tears? The couple danced together to the verve 'lucky man' which was lovely and also me and Scott's song, So I fled the room. When people found out who I was I spent the night receiving sympathetic glances, high fives and words. It was hard, really hard. 

Right now I'm lying in me and Scott's old bed for the first time without him and all I feel is complete devastation. Wow I just wanna cry till I've no tears left. I've just sat up with Linda for hours talking so I think that's the only option left.

Apollo 13

So I watched Apollo 13 today and it's knocked me for 6, It was Scott's favourite film and we used to watch it so much I could tell you the script by heart. I've also got his friend from works engagement party on Saturday and I'm kinda nervous about going. I just miss him so much, Why did he have to die?
I've been at my job 4 weeks and I know people are starting to wonder what the deal is about me, I've not been shy about my life except that part of it. I just hate the looks and the sympathy or the awkwardness of people not knowing what to say,
I'm just desperate to sort myself out and feeling good again also what way to go next in life. I think I wanna stay at this job for least a year to get the experience of a management role in the hospitality industry just so I can do it anywhere in the world. I just don't know if my next trip away I wanna just travel or if it's a life move. I know those kind of decisions will come with acceptance and peace of mind about my life.

I seem to be having what you might call an identity crisis, I feel I'm losing who and what I am by being home. I'm being conned back into what you may call real life again I don't like it. When I was away I was so happy and what I think is the real me. Life was stripped bare of what some people may deem essentials and I lived and loved with what I had. Barely any material possessions and just life to make me happy.
I don't want to confirm to the social norm. I'm what some might call a free spirit. I don't wanna settle in the country I was born, get a "good" job, marry and have kids. I'm past that. I had the love of my life and he's gone. I feel suffocated being back in this life, feel pressured to want this kinda life. I know it's hard for some of my loved ones to understand the life I want because they've never experienced the life I've had. I think to find the real me you'd have to meet ,me whilst I'm travelling and living the list to the fullest. I truly love life and even with the cruelest card I've been dealt I'm still positive I can have a great life. Just not at home. I'm destined for more than this. That maybe hard to hear to my family that I feel the real me is a whole world away from them.
 I sometimes feel like the odd one out and I do compare myself to my brother and sister all the time, I know I shouldn't but I do. My sister is a picture of happiness and has found her true prince in her husband Gordon. A fantastic person who I couldn't wish more for my sister. They are both so in love and perfect together it makes anyone envious. They both have great jobs and my sister is close to following her dreams and true calling with her work. My brother who is a PHD student and also a competitive bodybuilder also so close to achieving his dream. He's got a wonderful supportive partner Holly a trainee nurse and an amazing person inside and out, she's another sister to me. I sometimes wonder what they think of me. But then is seeing the world and really living outside the box a bad thing? Why does not confirming to the social norm see such a scary prospect to some people? Especially when it's me living it, not them?
I know how short life is. I know how your whole world can be ripped apart from one phone call. I don't have any fear anymore. I've been at my lowest so I'm not afraid to put myself out there and take a massive risk in life ignoring the possible consequences. Living life afraid to take risks is a pretty boring life.
I miss Scott more than anything in the world. I miss him at the times you wouldn't expect and it's like a knife to the heart. I just want to make him and my family proud of me. He was never a risk taker, It was always me pushing our decisions. One joint dream we always had together was living in Canada. It's why I want to go. I really wanna live out all his dreams for him and his family.
I lived out one of his dreams yesterday, It was to get a motorbike, I compromised by going on my dads bike with him. I loved him, Absolutely loved it! I know Scott would have loved going on it too. I often said to him when he mentioned getting his bike license that to speak to my dad as he was a keen biker.
I really loved it, I felt free! A really addictive feeling and one I love, being free and on the road. Scott would have loved it and I can picture his smile and reaction now.
I need to try and deal with great loss and find Wozza again, I miss her.

+1

Want to know its like in my shoes? It's bloody painful and confusing. Imagine you've just split up with your partner and its not what you want but it's maybe for the best. Now imagine you're on your dream trip. Travelling and seeing a world you and people around you have only dreamed of. You're really having the time of your life, but the partner you split up with he's always on your mind. You're gonna go back to him. Now imagine you're on top of the world, you never knew life could be so good and you'd see such amazing things. 

Your life's shattered. Your partner that you weren't sure of splitting up with and you were going to go back to is dead. He died without you. While you were on top of the world he was dying. What a regret. There was no point coming home because there was nothing you could do so you drifted from place to place. People said you were strong but that's a load of shit you were just surviving. 

You come home and everyone seems to have moved on its old news whereas you've lost the love of your life and its the worst pain you've ever felt. It's like a knife to the heart everytime you think of him. Everytime you see something that reminds you of him, everytime you want him to take your hand or give you a cuddle only he could give. 

Ha! You'll just move on and adjust. They think it's that easy! I would never want anyone I love to feel this pain I have of losing a partner, just pray and wish you go first. 

America, fuck you!

America, fuck you! I used to always sing this to my two American friends will and Dave. This is my 4th time in Florida and I've been to Vegas once, so even though I've not visited all over the country I do know I don't wanna live here. I did for a long time and Scott did aswell but the American dream is all about working all hours under the sun and to me I couldn't think of anything worse. Plus Americans are loud and obnoxious and I must be the only one who comes to this country and loses weight cause I hate the food. It big greasy horrible portions. I love Florida but ill stick to holidays. 

Gone

Yeah, yeah yeah I know I'm like a broken record but I am actually broken. When you lose a partner you also lose a future. Me and Scott had a future planned together and now it's gone. I opened an email I'd sent to Siobhan this time last year detailing my plan to go meet him in Canada round about February this year. Wow it hurt to see it, a life we'd planned together gone. 

Even when I left all I wanted was him. All I told family and friends about it was that we weren't over and all I wanted was him. I'm sure they just nodded their heads or tried to make me see differently but only I knew how much I loved him. I don't regret going away but I'll always have that regret of not being there and could I of made a difference? 

Abercrombie and Fitch

Abercrombie and Fitch have been upset alot of people with their values and morals but yesterday they upset me in a completely different way. It was Scott's favourite shop, he'd spend at least an hour in their everytime and most of his clothes were from there. Going in yesterday really shook me. I ended up getting a hoodie that he himself would have picked out and cause it his the aftershave on it, it reminds me of him. Funny how being in this villa and all the talk of him is a comfort to me but a shop hits me in the face like a brick. Grief is not a textbook emotion.

I'm having a really good time here and it's nice that its so familiar to me, I'm having a proper rest and getting to relax which I've needed for some time. We've been shopping and I got a new juicy couture handbag, a beautiful Armani dress for Gina's wedding and new Mac makeup. We've had a manicure and a pedicure. Alot of lounging by the pool reading and chatting. I've been good to myself and had luxuries I've not been able to afford being away.