You have been evicted.

I've escaped! I'm currently in a hostel in Melbourne on chapel street and I'm so happy! Sod my second year visa I'm not doing that bloody back breaking, low paid hellish job again. We all had a few drinks on the balcony last night for Sharon leaving and she convinced me to leave and that I was wasting my time there. So I got up this morning, packed my bag and left. I love that I can do that with my life, that I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow never mind next week. So I'm going to get a job and stay in Melbourne till march and give this city a chance. I was unfair to this place because of what I seen today I think I'll love it. It's an awesome looking place and the men are hot!
The 2nd year visa debate was hot with everyone trying to get me to stay but I've still got till November in Oz so there's no rush. Plus as much as I love this country it's travelling I really love and I don't wanna commit myself to one country in this big world for so long. I had a great time in Tatura and its an experience ill never forget but it was time to move on. Von and Chris are still there so it's back to travelling on my own which I'm excited about.

Getting over you.

They say it takes a year to really start getting over someone. You've gotta go thru every holiday, birthday and memorable dates without that person for the first time. Scott used to spoil me rotten on my birthday and valentines day, I think he was trying to make up for the life we had. People say to me you couldn't live like that and it was extremely hard but what people don't understand was i still saw Scott. He was drunk but he was still the man I loved, and I truly loved him with all my heart. I still do. We'd get lost in each other, laugh until we cried. His favourite colour was orange, his favourite film was Apollo 13. He bought me teddy bears all the time but he loved them more than I did, he'd take anything apart then put it back together again cause he wanted to see how it worked. His favourite dinner was sausage casserole which he'd make me make all the time!
He was completely lost and a prisoner to his addiction but I hope I made it a tiny bit easier by being there for him. I regret so much that I didn't get to tell him how much I loved him and that I would have come back to him after this trip.
That I wanted to spend my life with him, I was taking this trip to get myself back together. I honestly believed in him that'd he'd beat it. What do you do and how do you get over such a great loss like this? Am I destined to feel like this forevermore? Life is one heck of a ride.

Weeding.

We've got a new job. Rather than picking the tomatoes we're now pulling out the weeds that are stealing the tomato plants water. We're working for a different farmer and it's for an hourly rate which is like winning the lottery round here. I got chatting to a farmer in the bar on Saturday night and just thought he was trying to chat me up but turned out he genuinely
wanted to give us a job. It's tough work but our boss is great, takes us for coffee in the morning and for beers after work. Makes me wanna work hard for him and I know I'm gonna get paid. I'm gonna try and stick this out, my incentive is Queensland. I've tore a picture out a brochure and stuck it on the wall to remind me what I'm working for. Drinking a cocktail in a bar by the beach on surfers paradise (alcohol ain't allowed on the beaches of OZ) and getting over my fear
of the sea and snorkelling at the great barrier reef. Perfect.

So I've had a lovely day off today, I went shopping in the nearby town of Shepperton with Carol and Von where I got a new towel and a pillow. Was about time I bought a pillow since I've been sleeping a week without one. Usually a hostel will provide one but this one says it's an extra and wanna charge $6 for one. It's the principle I never bought one I went to K Mart instead. Shepperton is 20km from Tatura and there's no buses, we got a lift in but for the way back we thought we'd try our hand at hitch hiking. We walked to the main road out the town and just kinda stood there, looking at each other what do we do next? So the 3 of us were just kinda looking at the cars then back at each other awkwardly thinking who's gonna stick their thumb out. After 5 minutes of nothing we thought we'll head back and wait for the hostel manager to come get us. So we turned round to walk back and a car pulled up. Yes! Someone's stopped for us so we all head to the car and the men put the windows down, thinking this is weird their wearing suits.
They flashed something round their necks and all I seem was the world constable. Oh no! You ok girls? Yeah we're just waiting on a lift and thought we'd walk along. Hitch hiking is illegal in Victoria. Played dumb and we got away with it. Our first time trying it and we got caught!
Played the pub quiz in the bar downstairs and came 2nd last, which is worse than last cause the losers got a free jug. Next week we ain't even trying.

How I got here.....

I'll never forget that moment. Lying in bed in the hostel waiting on Von finishing work, we were having a much needed girls night. Leo and chris were getting on at me to get up and get some energy but I was in a lazy mood. It was 7.30pm in NZ and the UK is 12 hours behind so I was very suprised to see my sister was phoning so early in the morning. Answering the phone happy to hear from her she delivered the news that broke my heart and changed my life forever. Scott had died. Scott. My Scott. My Scotty G. The only man I've ever loved and was planning to go back to after I'd been travelling. His body had finally succumbed to the abuse. My love wasn't enough to save him.
I don't remember the rest of that phone call but I remember the moments after. Shouting for Chris and him being sick at the news. Asking the guys to go get me a drink as i needed one to stop the shaking, collapsing to the ground unable to breathe because I was in so much pain. I remember sitting with Von drinking wine and trying to make sense of it all. My phone going crazy with txts and phone calls with people wanting to know if I was ok? Of course I wasn't! I wanted to throw my phone out the window I couldn't take people's sympathy because it made it more real. We weren't married and technically we weren't together but I sill feel like a wido at 25.
It's over 2 months on and I feel that people think I should be over it by now so I don't speak about it. I feel like a fraud because we'd broken up. Truth is though my heart is still completely broken. When he died he took a piece of my heart that'll always belong to him. A part that'll never heal. To symbolise that I got a tattoo of a heart in an intimate place only for him.
NZ to me is where my world changed, where I felt my absolute worst. A beautiful country that I had some of the best times of my life in. All that is now overshadowed. 3 weeks after it happened I was on a flight to Sydney on my own. I needed to get out there on my own and try make sense of it all. For a while it seemed to work, I was caught up in the excitement of everything new and making friends. Yet sometimes I'd sit in the park and cry for hours. I still do. I'm just so overwhelmed that one minute I love life and I'm really having a great time travelling and the next I just wanna leave all this pain and go home to where my family can help me. People call me strong. I don't think I am I just keep going because if I stop and let myself break down I don't think I'll come back.
My family and friends mean the world to me and their love is enough for me. I don't want any other kind of love in my life for me I'm done. I wanna find joy in spending time with them and discovering new things in life. That way there's no chance of being hurt like this again.
Here's to travelling and the next chapter.