I'm at a major point in my life. It's not about a man or a job. It's now that after my first meeting over five years, when I first fell in love. It's now that I approach Australia and ask if I can be. Ask if I can live here forever. After all that time building a life and career I want to make this my forever home. My greatest achievement in life so far is Australia. Also my greatest regret is Australia. I argue with myself everyday asking myself if I'm making the right decision living out here. Is it worth it to watch my neice grow up over Skype and see my family ever other year,
 I have such a great life over here but I struggle everyday with how much I miss my family. At least they have each other to annoy. I have no Chappells! The problem with living and loving somewhere else is you'll never be completely at home again.

:(.....

Ok. So yeah I should be over this. I'm far from it and I hate how everyone else has forgetten about him. How could you stop thinking about my amazing Scotty G? I can't. He was my one. My love. He was mine. I honestly wish I didn't miss him as much as I do, that I could stop loving him. How can you love someone so much that isn't here anymore? How do you get closure when that persons gone?
I'm moving on with life in everyway apart from my love life. How can I? I'm still hopelessly in love how can I know that lightning won't strike twice?
I'm gonna focus on me and follow my dreams.

Thailand!!!!

Sitting in the airport after checking into my flight to go Thailand. I'm so excited I could burst! What a difference this time than when I went on my last backpacking trip! First off my backpack weighed 8.6 kilos. For a weeks holiday to Greece I was alway excess baggage this time I'm drastically under. Going to Thailand has been my dream destination for years I can't believe I'm actually going! Who says dreams don't come true :) as for now I'm going to drink my corona say a cheers to myself and have the time of my life :) 

Life

Spending time with good old friends tonight, catching up with good news and bad. Got me to thinking about the precious gift we all have. Life. We're all given it and depending  on the sorta person we are we take it for what it is. Some of us live it to the absolute full and grab it with both hands. Some waste it. I learnt the hard way how precious it is and not to waste it.
If you're not happy in that job, change it. You'll only stick at it and at the end maybe get  a gold watch and a see you later. Unhappy in that relationship? Leave. You'll only live unhappy and project that unhappiness onto everyone you might meet.
Spend time with people who appreciate you for you, spend time with family and people who make you happy. Don't surround yourself with fake Friends and people who only want you for favours.
Live your dreams no matter what they are, face those fears for what is there to be afraid of? Life is so precious, don't waste a minute wondering what if?  A second in denial is a second you'll never get back.

Party

Tonight has been a hard one. It was one of Scott's best friends engagement party so I went along especially to keep the side up. First flood of tears? The couple danced together to the verve 'lucky man' which was lovely and also me and Scott's song, So I fled the room. When people found out who I was I spent the night receiving sympathetic glances, high fives and words. It was hard, really hard. 

Right now I'm lying in me and Scott's old bed for the first time without him and all I feel is complete devastation. Wow I just wanna cry till I've no tears left. I've just sat up with Linda for hours talking so I think that's the only option left.

Apollo 13

So I watched Apollo 13 today and it's knocked me for 6, It was Scott's favourite film and we used to watch it so much I could tell you the script by heart. I've also got his friend from works engagement party on Saturday and I'm kinda nervous about going. I just miss him so much, Why did he have to die?
I've been at my job 4 weeks and I know people are starting to wonder what the deal is about me, I've not been shy about my life except that part of it. I just hate the looks and the sympathy or the awkwardness of people not knowing what to say,
I'm just desperate to sort myself out and feeling good again also what way to go next in life. I think I wanna stay at this job for least a year to get the experience of a management role in the hospitality industry just so I can do it anywhere in the world. I just don't know if my next trip away I wanna just travel or if it's a life move. I know those kind of decisions will come with acceptance and peace of mind about my life.

I seem to be having what you might call an identity crisis, I feel I'm losing who and what I am by being home. I'm being conned back into what you may call real life again I don't like it. When I was away I was so happy and what I think is the real me. Life was stripped bare of what some people may deem essentials and I lived and loved with what I had. Barely any material possessions and just life to make me happy.
I don't want to confirm to the social norm. I'm what some might call a free spirit. I don't wanna settle in the country I was born, get a "good" job, marry and have kids. I'm past that. I had the love of my life and he's gone. I feel suffocated being back in this life, feel pressured to want this kinda life. I know it's hard for some of my loved ones to understand the life I want because they've never experienced the life I've had. I think to find the real me you'd have to meet ,me whilst I'm travelling and living the list to the fullest. I truly love life and even with the cruelest card I've been dealt I'm still positive I can have a great life. Just not at home. I'm destined for more than this. That maybe hard to hear to my family that I feel the real me is a whole world away from them.
 I sometimes feel like the odd one out and I do compare myself to my brother and sister all the time, I know I shouldn't but I do. My sister is a picture of happiness and has found her true prince in her husband Gordon. A fantastic person who I couldn't wish more for my sister. They are both so in love and perfect together it makes anyone envious. They both have great jobs and my sister is close to following her dreams and true calling with her work. My brother who is a PHD student and also a competitive bodybuilder also so close to achieving his dream. He's got a wonderful supportive partner Holly a trainee nurse and an amazing person inside and out, she's another sister to me. I sometimes wonder what they think of me. But then is seeing the world and really living outside the box a bad thing? Why does not confirming to the social norm see such a scary prospect to some people? Especially when it's me living it, not them?
I know how short life is. I know how your whole world can be ripped apart from one phone call. I don't have any fear anymore. I've been at my lowest so I'm not afraid to put myself out there and take a massive risk in life ignoring the possible consequences. Living life afraid to take risks is a pretty boring life.
I miss Scott more than anything in the world. I miss him at the times you wouldn't expect and it's like a knife to the heart. I just want to make him and my family proud of me. He was never a risk taker, It was always me pushing our decisions. One joint dream we always had together was living in Canada. It's why I want to go. I really wanna live out all his dreams for him and his family.
I lived out one of his dreams yesterday, It was to get a motorbike, I compromised by going on my dads bike with him. I loved him, Absolutely loved it! I know Scott would have loved going on it too. I often said to him when he mentioned getting his bike license that to speak to my dad as he was a keen biker.
I really loved it, I felt free! A really addictive feeling and one I love, being free and on the road. Scott would have loved it and I can picture his smile and reaction now.
I need to try and deal with great loss and find Wozza again, I miss her.

+1

Want to know its like in my shoes? It's bloody painful and confusing. Imagine you've just split up with your partner and its not what you want but it's maybe for the best. Now imagine you're on your dream trip. Travelling and seeing a world you and people around you have only dreamed of. You're really having the time of your life, but the partner you split up with he's always on your mind. You're gonna go back to him. Now imagine you're on top of the world, you never knew life could be so good and you'd see such amazing things. 

Your life's shattered. Your partner that you weren't sure of splitting up with and you were going to go back to is dead. He died without you. While you were on top of the world he was dying. What a regret. There was no point coming home because there was nothing you could do so you drifted from place to place. People said you were strong but that's a load of shit you were just surviving. 

You come home and everyone seems to have moved on its old news whereas you've lost the love of your life and its the worst pain you've ever felt. It's like a knife to the heart everytime you think of him. Everytime you see something that reminds you of him, everytime you want him to take your hand or give you a cuddle only he could give. 

Ha! You'll just move on and adjust. They think it's that easy! I would never want anyone I love to feel this pain I have of losing a partner, just pray and wish you go first. 

America, fuck you!

America, fuck you! I used to always sing this to my two American friends will and Dave. This is my 4th time in Florida and I've been to Vegas once, so even though I've not visited all over the country I do know I don't wanna live here. I did for a long time and Scott did aswell but the American dream is all about working all hours under the sun and to me I couldn't think of anything worse. Plus Americans are loud and obnoxious and I must be the only one who comes to this country and loses weight cause I hate the food. It big greasy horrible portions. I love Florida but ill stick to holidays. 

Gone

Yeah, yeah yeah I know I'm like a broken record but I am actually broken. When you lose a partner you also lose a future. Me and Scott had a future planned together and now it's gone. I opened an email I'd sent to Siobhan this time last year detailing my plan to go meet him in Canada round about February this year. Wow it hurt to see it, a life we'd planned together gone. 

Even when I left all I wanted was him. All I told family and friends about it was that we weren't over and all I wanted was him. I'm sure they just nodded their heads or tried to make me see differently but only I knew how much I loved him. I don't regret going away but I'll always have that regret of not being there and could I of made a difference? 

Abercrombie and Fitch

Abercrombie and Fitch have been upset alot of people with their values and morals but yesterday they upset me in a completely different way. It was Scott's favourite shop, he'd spend at least an hour in their everytime and most of his clothes were from there. Going in yesterday really shook me. I ended up getting a hoodie that he himself would have picked out and cause it his the aftershave on it, it reminds me of him. Funny how being in this villa and all the talk of him is a comfort to me but a shop hits me in the face like a brick. Grief is not a textbook emotion.

I'm having a really good time here and it's nice that its so familiar to me, I'm having a proper rest and getting to relax which I've needed for some time. We've been shopping and I got a new juicy couture handbag, a beautiful Armani dress for Gina's wedding and new Mac makeup. We've had a manicure and a pedicure. Alot of lounging by the pool reading and chatting. I've been good to myself and had luxuries I've not been able to afford being away. 

Orlando

I'm currently lying on a sun lounger by the pool in Orlando, it's just after 10am but its already roasting hot. Jealous much? Don't be. I wouldn't say I had an envious life. On the outside looking in I suppose it looks not bad but inside my head it really hurts and it's terrifiying. As someone who's prone to depression already as I've already suffered from it I'm very alert to how I'm feeling and trying to differentiate grief from feeling down. I feel like saying cry me a river that to help me grieve and face reality I'm in Florida where me and Scott had some if our happiest times. But it's bloody hard and weird being here without him. I keep expecting him to come sit beside me or be in watching some big trial on the tv. It's also not completely sad. There's great memories in every corner of this house, in every spot I can remember a laugh, a conversation or a moment with him. I know he was with us last night when he arrived as there was a massive thunderstorm and he loved them, he'd make me sit out and watch them. The past couple of days have been so hard again I just wish I knew how to get through it that as they say doesn't "just take time"

Florida

Off to Florida tomorrow. Willie and Linda's villa for 8 days. I was up there last night for dinner and their going on Saturday, they offered to take me and I thought why not I've nothing else to do next week as I have no job. Only been back 9 days and I'm away again it's crazy! Ill have flown all the way round I the world in 10 days and I was off long haul flights for a while. It's something I need to do though, I need to spend time with willie and Linda for the 3 of us sake. We were the closest to Scott and the ones hurting the most. Also at the villa in Florida is where we had some of our happiest memories together, before I came back I struggled to think of things anything to remind me of Scott and it frustrated me that i couldn't. Being home I'm surrounded and it's nice but it's hard,  it's been 8 months but it still feels like it was last week it happened. You just need to get used to that person not being there and cancel the future with them. Linda said to me yesterday at some point ill have to move on and it's true but no way can I do that anytime soon. I don't wanna fall in love again as I don't want the pain that goes with it, the worry and anxiety that I won't just lose them again. How on earth do you let loose after such a trauma? Nah I'm no where near ready but that's ok, I have enough people round me to compensate. 

My Scotty G I love you and miss you even more than I could begin to know as you would say to the moon and back. My love, my life you were my favourite xxxxxxxx

:/

I have this horrendous pain in my chest, I have no appetite, I can't sleep and I'm struggling to really even be happy these past days. I keep slipping and I'm struggling to pull myself up again, I try not to be crabbit or moany to those around me but when your heart is broken into a million pieces and there's no glue to fix it how can you? I feel like everything I used to love is so trivial now, Like getting my hair done or my eyebrows. Things I used to love and follow up religiously is now pointless and a waste of time. I suppose its good in a way that I'm not so concerned about appearance as I once was. All I wanna do is get lost in books and escape reality, I don't regret coming home but I never expected it to be as hard as this. I've cried more than a handful of times today. Yesterday I was bent over in pain hardly able to breathe with grief, One minute I'm minding my own business and the next I'm inconsolable.

So I'm applying for every job I can find to try and gain some employment. There's not alot in Livingston so I'm applying to jobs in Aberdeen aswell, Hoping to get something in catering or hospitality. I don't want a conventional office job, I can't think of anything worse so I'm applying for live in positions, jobs with oil companies and looking to see how I get on the boats or the rigs.
Spent the weekend in Aberdeen with my brother and sister and had a lovely time it was great to see them again. Me and Karen went out to the Deeside on sunday which is the cairngorms and on the way back stopped at a few castles and a secret waterfall, was awesome. I'm really appreciating how green and pretty Scotland is after being away for so long and seeing completely different scenery.
Ah well Fingers crossed next time I write  this I'm employed as tomorrow I'm going to sign on and I'm not looking forward to it!

Back to blighty

So I'm home. Been back 4 days and I feel like I've never left. It weird but also nice. Had a very tearful Hollywood style reunion at the airport, my mum, dad and Gemma were there with a banner saying welcome home Caroline. I just walked out arrivals seen them and the banner and burst into tears. Was a long trip home but was made easier by some very kind individuals. I'd booked a hotel room close to the airport just to make it easier in the morning and not a wild last night in Oz which it would have been of I'd got a hostel. I'd basically just booked a room with a single bed in it but when I arrived after a 5 hour bus journey from chinchilla and then a train and another bus to the hotel I was shattered. I got speaking to the owner whilst she was checking me in telling her all about my travels and it was my last night in Oz so she upgraded me to a deluxe room. Same as at the airport I was chatting to the women at check in and she upgraded me to premium economy. Score! 

It's hit me like a ton of bricks coming back and facing upto the reality of Scott being gone. I've went back to before when I wear sunglasses cos it means I can cry in public and no one knows. I just can't believe he's not here anymore and it hurts more than imaginable. I did go an see Willie and Linda last night which I really enjoyed, it was emotional at times but it'll be like that for a while. Now it's really time for me to grieve. I've never really had the chance being away and on my own.

Coming home.

I'm coming home, I'm coming home tell the world that I'm coming home.
Flights booked and I got 3 days left. One of which I'm working and the other travelling to Brisbane. So I've got 1 day and I'm in a town called Chinchilla which is the same as any other inland Aussie town. Seen one you seen them all.


Just finished my last rodeo and I'm gonna miss it what an experience this has been.
I've learned to stop being a pathetic female and do a mans job. Running leads and hoses and proper physical work. Aside from that working on a funfair is pretty damn fun! I loved sneaking away from the canteen to go on the rides, eating candyfloss all day but not the blue stiff cause it dyes your teeth so the boss knows you were eating it. Watching the rodeos which is pretty cool and a sport I never thought I'd be exposed too. Seeing cowboys and listening to country music is the norm to me now. We'd stand in the canteen all day slagging the small town country people. Playing is it a boy or is it a girl? Omg look at that! The funny thing about Oz is of you go to the coast the people are thin and beautiful. As soon as you go inland they get fat and not as desirable.
I've loved the people I've met working on the show. A completely different mix of characters, but been great fun all the same, we've had some great laughs and beer pong nights together I'm really gonna miss them all.
Once a showie always a showie.

Chinchilla

Today wasn't such a good day. There's one guy called Will who works with us. Him and his girlfriend started the same time as me, their 21 and 19. I got on well with them at first and I still do but Will is really starting to grate my nerves. He's a know it all, patronising bastard. Enya his girlfriend is on another planet half the time. I blew up at Will the other day as he keeps barking orders at me when he has no right too and wouldn't listen to me when I was trying to tell him the freezer hadn't been on all day. He always snaps since he thinks he's always right and it really got to me the other day I went mental and in front of everyone!
Today when we were working for some reason he questioned what I was doing to Brock who is Mick and Jackies son. I was cleaning the control box for one of the rides with Courtney and for some reason he didn't like it. I don't know why Brock reacted the way he did but he went mental at Courtney and sent me to do some shitty job on my own. I was fuming! Doesn't he realise we need to stick together and not fuck each other over?!
So now I don't know if I can stand to stay with the show for much longer. It's bringing me down being around him. The other thing that's starting to piss me off is the men! There's barely any women on the showground never mind young single ones so who do you think is in high demand?! There's one guy in particular who won't give up. He's called Rumbo and that's all I hear about from everyone even my boss Mick. Pisses me off cause I'm not interested and I don't hear the end of it. Yeah right am interested he's an alcoholic! As if I wanna go there.
No one can accept that I'm single by choice and that's what I wanna stay. Who knows when ill and if ill ever wanna be in a relationship again. I've felt the ultimate pain from it and I don't wanna feel it ever again.

Anyway I'm in Chinchilla which was a 500km drive from Charleville, so all day Sunday was just spent travelling. Got a small one day show in miles which is 50km tomorrow but we're camped in Chinchilla so it's just the canteen to pack up tomorrow night thank god! Think I may spend the next few weeks with them till we get to cairns as then it's just an easy flight down to Sydney to meet Von and Chris.

Charleville

Just been stopped by the police for the second time in Charleville. This time it was for walking across the showgrounds with a beer in my hand after the show was finished and the gates were closed. No drinking in public areas apparently and it's a $110 fine. They made me walk back to camp and get my ID to prove I was old enough to drink then let me off with a warning. Two days ago we got pulled over in the car cause we went to town me, Kristy and Voitor and they have no back seat so Kristy lay on the mattress in the back seat. I managed to talk us outta fine saying it was a moment of madness and we were only nipping to town. Our punishment was me and Kristy were made to walk back to the showgrounds. Hopefully not gonna make it a 3rd time but still got a full day here so there's still time!
Charleville is the proper outback. Red dirt and hilly Billy's. The bugs out here are unreal, The moths are like the size of your hand more like bats. The wildlife is crazy I've seen enough of it to last a lifetime but I still love it. I love being on the road, travelling to new towns. We've been doing 2 shows a week in the past few weeks so its been full on travelling and working. The thing about these places though is a lot of the towns are very similar with the same shops and no sorta history or interesting sights. As Australia is such a new country there's no background. The culture is a shock to me. The small town cowboy lifestyle is a drastic difference to my lifestyle. I love the fact I'm experiencing real Australia not just the beach side of it.

Showie

So I'm back in Roma. Back where I started on the showgrounds now I'm a showie and I love it! On the road from St George too here the Australian wildlife was rife and it was so cool. I seen so many emus, wallabies and kangaroos. The kangaroos just hop onto the road all the time their more pests. I was travelling with Duncan and it was his first time driving in Oz never mind the outback and we hit one! Lucky we had a roo bar on the front of the ute or it could of killed us their that big. When we drive to each destination it's always so cool cause its always a big road train with all the trucks and cars towing all the rides and canteens. I want a shot in the Kenworth cause that truck is king of the road!

Had a great night tonight having a beer pong tournament and I was on fire, I won a lot more games than I lost. It's a really great group of people on the showgrounds. Showie and proud!

St George

The problems of living on the road. We got up at 7 this morning to pack up camp and head to Roma but the road transport police have been at the entrances of the town all day booking all the showies leaving town for being overweight, vehicles too long etc. Anything they can be fined for. So we've sat about all day waiting for them to leave but their still there so we've set up camp and are leaving St George at 3am as they'll hopefully be gone by then. Another sleepless night on the road.
This job is fun and I'm glad I'm getting to see the real Australia but most of these towns are all the same. Australia has no history or culture so even though I've been to 7 different towns now they all have the same kinda set up or layout with the high street and same chain stores. Driving through Australia is so boring. There's nothing to look at the scenery just stays the same and it's so flat.

Been missing home abit this week. The problem with travelling on your own is when you miss home you miss everyone. I have no one that knows my life in Scotland so I have no one to really talk about it. I kinda feel this week like I wanna come home soon but I also don't.