I'm at a major point in my life. It's not about a man or a job. It's now that after my first meeting over five years, when I first fell in love. It's now that I approach Australia and ask if I can be. Ask if I can live here forever. After all that time building a life and career I want to make this my forever home. My greatest achievement in life so far is Australia. Also my greatest regret is Australia. I argue with myself everyday asking myself if I'm making the right decision living out here. Is it worth it to watch my neice grow up over Skype and see my family ever other year,
 I have such a great life over here but I struggle everyday with how much I miss my family. At least they have each other to annoy. I have no Chappells! The problem with living and loving somewhere else is you'll never be completely at home again.

:(.....

Ok. So yeah I should be over this. I'm far from it and I hate how everyone else has forgetten about him. How could you stop thinking about my amazing Scotty G? I can't. He was my one. My love. He was mine. I honestly wish I didn't miss him as much as I do, that I could stop loving him. How can you love someone so much that isn't here anymore? How do you get closure when that persons gone?
I'm moving on with life in everyway apart from my love life. How can I? I'm still hopelessly in love how can I know that lightning won't strike twice?
I'm gonna focus on me and follow my dreams.

Thailand!!!!

Sitting in the airport after checking into my flight to go Thailand. I'm so excited I could burst! What a difference this time than when I went on my last backpacking trip! First off my backpack weighed 8.6 kilos. For a weeks holiday to Greece I was alway excess baggage this time I'm drastically under. Going to Thailand has been my dream destination for years I can't believe I'm actually going! Who says dreams don't come true :) as for now I'm going to drink my corona say a cheers to myself and have the time of my life :) 

Life

Spending time with good old friends tonight, catching up with good news and bad. Got me to thinking about the precious gift we all have. Life. We're all given it and depending  on the sorta person we are we take it for what it is. Some of us live it to the absolute full and grab it with both hands. Some waste it. I learnt the hard way how precious it is and not to waste it.
If you're not happy in that job, change it. You'll only stick at it and at the end maybe get  a gold watch and a see you later. Unhappy in that relationship? Leave. You'll only live unhappy and project that unhappiness onto everyone you might meet.
Spend time with people who appreciate you for you, spend time with family and people who make you happy. Don't surround yourself with fake Friends and people who only want you for favours.
Live your dreams no matter what they are, face those fears for what is there to be afraid of? Life is so precious, don't waste a minute wondering what if?  A second in denial is a second you'll never get back.

Party

Tonight has been a hard one. It was one of Scott's best friends engagement party so I went along especially to keep the side up. First flood of tears? The couple danced together to the verve 'lucky man' which was lovely and also me and Scott's song, So I fled the room. When people found out who I was I spent the night receiving sympathetic glances, high fives and words. It was hard, really hard. 

Right now I'm lying in me and Scott's old bed for the first time without him and all I feel is complete devastation. Wow I just wanna cry till I've no tears left. I've just sat up with Linda for hours talking so I think that's the only option left.

Apollo 13

So I watched Apollo 13 today and it's knocked me for 6, It was Scott's favourite film and we used to watch it so much I could tell you the script by heart. I've also got his friend from works engagement party on Saturday and I'm kinda nervous about going. I just miss him so much, Why did he have to die?
I've been at my job 4 weeks and I know people are starting to wonder what the deal is about me, I've not been shy about my life except that part of it. I just hate the looks and the sympathy or the awkwardness of people not knowing what to say,
I'm just desperate to sort myself out and feeling good again also what way to go next in life. I think I wanna stay at this job for least a year to get the experience of a management role in the hospitality industry just so I can do it anywhere in the world. I just don't know if my next trip away I wanna just travel or if it's a life move. I know those kind of decisions will come with acceptance and peace of mind about my life.

I seem to be having what you might call an identity crisis, I feel I'm losing who and what I am by being home. I'm being conned back into what you may call real life again I don't like it. When I was away I was so happy and what I think is the real me. Life was stripped bare of what some people may deem essentials and I lived and loved with what I had. Barely any material possessions and just life to make me happy.
I don't want to confirm to the social norm. I'm what some might call a free spirit. I don't wanna settle in the country I was born, get a "good" job, marry and have kids. I'm past that. I had the love of my life and he's gone. I feel suffocated being back in this life, feel pressured to want this kinda life. I know it's hard for some of my loved ones to understand the life I want because they've never experienced the life I've had. I think to find the real me you'd have to meet ,me whilst I'm travelling and living the list to the fullest. I truly love life and even with the cruelest card I've been dealt I'm still positive I can have a great life. Just not at home. I'm destined for more than this. That maybe hard to hear to my family that I feel the real me is a whole world away from them.
 I sometimes feel like the odd one out and I do compare myself to my brother and sister all the time, I know I shouldn't but I do. My sister is a picture of happiness and has found her true prince in her husband Gordon. A fantastic person who I couldn't wish more for my sister. They are both so in love and perfect together it makes anyone envious. They both have great jobs and my sister is close to following her dreams and true calling with her work. My brother who is a PHD student and also a competitive bodybuilder also so close to achieving his dream. He's got a wonderful supportive partner Holly a trainee nurse and an amazing person inside and out, she's another sister to me. I sometimes wonder what they think of me. But then is seeing the world and really living outside the box a bad thing? Why does not confirming to the social norm see such a scary prospect to some people? Especially when it's me living it, not them?
I know how short life is. I know how your whole world can be ripped apart from one phone call. I don't have any fear anymore. I've been at my lowest so I'm not afraid to put myself out there and take a massive risk in life ignoring the possible consequences. Living life afraid to take risks is a pretty boring life.
I miss Scott more than anything in the world. I miss him at the times you wouldn't expect and it's like a knife to the heart. I just want to make him and my family proud of me. He was never a risk taker, It was always me pushing our decisions. One joint dream we always had together was living in Canada. It's why I want to go. I really wanna live out all his dreams for him and his family.
I lived out one of his dreams yesterday, It was to get a motorbike, I compromised by going on my dads bike with him. I loved him, Absolutely loved it! I know Scott would have loved going on it too. I often said to him when he mentioned getting his bike license that to speak to my dad as he was a keen biker.
I really loved it, I felt free! A really addictive feeling and one I love, being free and on the road. Scott would have loved it and I can picture his smile and reaction now.
I need to try and deal with great loss and find Wozza again, I miss her.