Goondiwindi.

That's where I am right now, in Goondiwindi Just arrived today from Goombungee which was a lovely little town. Was absolutely tiny but it was really chilled out and the locals were great. In these kinda towns where not a lot happens they really look forward to show day so when we all went to the pub one night they greeted us with open arms and bought us jugs of beer. They couldn't wait to speak to us.
Was also a more chilled out week work wise as it was only a one day show and we only had the canteen, coffee stand and fun factory to set up with 4 days to do it we strung it out.
We're really starting to find our feet now me and the English couple Will and Enya who started at the same time as me. There's so much to learn and take in but I feel like I know more what I'm doing. Courtney who's like a daughter to Jackie and Mick my boss and she's in charge when they ain't around is starting to be a lot more open and friendly towards me which is good cause I didn't like her at the start! It's a good group with Rumbo who is Justin's staff and the kiwi boys who work for little Jackie we all have a good laugh. Cooking and drinking together after work.
My friend Duncan who I met in Melbourne who's actually from Edinburgh came upto join the show on Saturday so it's great to have him here as he's a good mate and means I'm not the only Scottish on the showgrounds! We've renamed our camp 'Camp Scotland'

I've felt really good the past 6 weeks I've been on the show I don't have that need to or feeling that I need to move on and what am I doing next that I've had since Scott died. I was always looking for something or somewhere to make me feel better and happy. I've been that lost and sad, trying to hide how I'm feeling and channeling it into travelling. Working on the show I've not had that feeling of I need an escape route. I'm happy. I'm not 100% but I feel good. I'm busy constantly and enjoying the lifestyle and work its keeping me going. I feel healthy and look healthier than I have in months. My friend Duncan even commented on that yesterday when he arrived and its only been 6 weeks since I seem him.
I love being a showie! What an adventure it is. It's not for the faint hearted at all. I practically live outside as I only go into my camp to sleep, we eat, cook and socialise outside. We work outside except 2 days a week in the canteen. The sites always have toilets and showers but there not exactly glamorous. The last 2 towns in the toilets didn't even mirrors so I didn't look in the mirror for 2 weeks! I'm constantly either muddy or greasy from cleaning or setting up but I don't even care.

Dalby

I'm now in Dalby and it's a much nicer town than Toowoomba. Showgrounds are nicer too, the toilets were disgusting there and it was so muddy since the past week was like non stop storms. Dalby is more modern and it's grey sand so it doesn't cover you head to toe in mud 24/7.
Shops are also a 20 minute walk rather than an hour which is a big plus we're not so cut off. We have a really nice camp set up here and it's really social that all the guys come to our camp for a drink and a wind down after work.
Can guess what rooms mine straight away as pride of place on my door is my stolen Scotland flag that two of the guys climbed up the flagpole and stole for me last Saturday! Had to keep it hidden till we left Toowoomba as I'm the only Scottish person on the grounds so if they notice they'd know it was me straight away!
As much as I hate to say it, my accent is starting to annoy me. Especially in these kinda towns when they don't get a lot of foreigners. I constantly have to repeat myself and everyone once they hear it mimic it. The novelty has definitely worn off. It's weird cause when I met a Scottish women today it sounded strange to me cause I ain't heard one for so long. I never thought hearing an Aussie accent would sound normal to me.
This job is good for me. I've not slept so well in months and had such an appetite. Cut right down on the amount I drink aswell. It's exhausting work but its really doing me good. Jackie my boss as they have a farm may be able to sign us off for our 2nd year visa which would be amazing if I could come back. I really do love this country. It's not home but I love it.

Dear Scott

Dear my Scotty G,
The love of my life. The man I loved more than anything, the man whenever I think about I feel the pain of your life and future lost. Our future together. I miss you more than I could ever imagine missing someone. I don't know what to do without you, I was going to come back to you but I never told you properly. It kills me thinking that you never knew I just wanted to give you time to get yourself together and me time also to get myself together. I know I was also in a bad place and needed time to heal but my future was always with you. Life is so cruel. Why? Why did this happen? Why were you taken away from me? Why didn't I get to tell you how much I loved you?
Some of the happiest times of my life were with you. That first time we went to Florida was amazing and it was when we first got together properly, I was the happiest girl in the world. When we moved in together and made that flat our home was like a
dream come true, I was so happy.
I hate what happened to you. It breaks my heart the addiction and pain you went through. A horrible disease that got hold of you and you weren't able to get free
of. I don't regret one second with you.
I have so many things and talents I could say about you that made you amazing but where do i start? You were one of those people everyone loved and I was so proud to say you were mine. My Scotty G.
One of my favourite stories to tell that just sums up our relationship together is when we had a party for my birthday in the flat,
We had a houseful and thought it was hilarious to spray pepperspray in the toilet and it almost killed everyone in the flat it was so strong! That was us. Always playing pranks and taking the piss, oYou made me laugh like no one else.
You had the most beautiful blue eyes that I could have stared into forever.
I don't know what to do without you and I'm so scared. Ill love you forever my boy
Xxxxxxx

Birthday

As I right this I have tears streaming down my face and my heart feels like it could explode with the pain. I got up this morning and had a little cry but I had to start work at 8:30am and didn't finish till 10pm so it's been good I've been kept busy all day. Nows the time to let it out. It's one of the boys on the shows birthday today so I've been trying to make a fuss over that to keep me sane.
Scott always hated his birthday so he'd most likely be annoyed that I'm dwelling on it. I'd be soooo excited for him and he'd tell me to fuck off he wasn't interested! I keep going round and round in my mind if I could speak to him what I'd say and really all I want is to say I love you please tell me you know that.

Fun factory.

I was working last night on the fun factory which is a fun house for kids. It's got a ball pit, spinning pole, a maze, spinning hamster wheel and a slide at the end. My job was to watch the kids to make sure they didn't hurt themselves which usually meant me going through it with them and it was great fun.
We're still in Toowoomba but the rodeo we were just doing was 90k away in Warwick. Another country bumpkin town with cowboys and farmers.
Toowoomba is a big town and its all spread out we need to do an hours walk from the showgrounds to get to the supermarket which has almost killed me everytime cause its all uphill. It's a massive show next weekend that is so important to this town that they have a holiday for it starting on Thursday. There must be about 100 caravans here now with all the showies here to start setting up its really cool.
We have the best spot in the showgrounds cause the family I work for are the biggest show family in Australia. It's really nice their called the Gill Brothers and its the parents that I work for and their 3 children all with their own set up. They all travel and work together. They have like 8 dogs, 4 budgies, a parrot, a lizard and a cat that goes with them everywhere. The cats taken to sleepin in my room which I of course love!
I sleep in a unit that's been converted to 2 rooms, it's really small with space for a bed and a fridge with a couple of shelves but its great to have my own room and space again after so long in hostels.

It's Scott's birthday on Thursday. He would have been 25, But sadly he'll never age past 24. I miss him so much, I would do anything to speak to him. I don't think an hour of the day goes by without thinking about him. Everything reminds me of us. My life right now is not reality in the sense that this is not home and not a life I can lead forever so I am used to not being with anyone I love but being used to something doesn't lessen the pain.
Before I left Brisbane I went to an alanon meeting and I just let it all out. I actually terrified to come home and face it. All I do is imagine getting home and seeing everyone then getting on a plane to somewhere else. I don't wanna be at home where there's pain waiting for me.
I'm so excited about when I do go home to see my family and friends because I miss them so much. I hate seeing things on Facebook when their all together and I'm missing it. Family is the most important and valuable thing in the world.