Thursday 31 January 2013

1st Febuary

When you pick tomatoes it's the back of your thighs that hurt, when you weed it's the front of your thighs, chipping grass it's your whole arms like shooting pains and when you pick zucchinis it's your lower back. Always a new pain and muscle hurting from this rotten job. It's ok in the morning when you first start but by the time it hits 11am and the suns up and the flys are out in full force it's hell. We usually finish by 1pm which is good cause it's too hot to continue working but by then you're so exhausted to even think about doing anything with your afternoon. Sometimes we go to the pool to soothe are aches away but at $4 a go we can't afford it all the time. The hostels very small and we're all cramped in here with the balcony for a social area which is nice to chill with a beer and see the sun go down or see the stars when it's set. There's about 40 of us here and we're all one big family with so many nationalitys which I love. The only thing that's getting to me is the boredom. There's nothing in this town to do!
I'm leaving in 5 weeks. My job in Sydney phoned and offered me work in March the first one being at the future music festival and the other a 3 week festival for Easter. So I'm heading back the 6th March and I can't wait :) already got my nights out and reunions planned with my friends there. I'm dreaming of Bondi beach and sunbathing in the park. Walking down to the harbour and seeing the bridge and the opera house. I love Sydney it's favourite city after Edinburgh.

Wednesday 30 January 2013

<3

I used to call him my cookie monster. He absolutely loved cookies but they had to be soft, like the ones you got in packs of 4 from asda. I'd forgotten this until I bought a packet of cookies today and took a bite. I keep racking my brain to remember everything about him and I can't, then I'll do or have something he loved and it all comes back to me. I remember the sound of his laugh and his eyes, the most beautiful blue eyes you'd ever seen that I could spend days just looking into. His thick hair that would curl if he let it grow too long. That bloody massive tattoo on his shoulder that I'd always call a disgrace but I'd love to trace my fingers round the lines I could probably draw it from memory. He absolutely loved space and the stars, the stars here are like nothing I've ever seen before. I don't know I'd it's because I'm in the southern hemisphere and you can see them better but every night their so bright and so many. I used to love looking up at the stars with him and he'd name them all but most of all ill never forget how I felt everytime he said I love you. I know my action might not have changed the outcome but I'll always think what if? And always wished I'd spoke to him one last time and let him know how much I loved him. I don't remember the last words I said to him and I hate it. He was my one

Tuesday 29 January 2013

Travel

P.s you're an inspiration living out your travelling dreams.
That's what an old friend wrote on my Facebook at the end of a birthday message. What a lovely thing to say, I hope I have inspired some people to chase their dreams and make them reality. Life is so short and can change in an instant. I plan to live every single one of my dreams and always aspire to be happy. When people ask me what my goals in life are I always say to be happy and travel the world. My list of places I wanna visit increases everytime I meet someone new, right now I wanna visit Asia, Canada, south America and see Europe properly. Canada is the top of my list because me and Scott always planned to go there, I promised i'd live our dream and I have too. I wanna do one of these volunteer charity missions, I wanna help people and be completely selfless. All my dreams involve travel I wish I could incorporate a career with this great love.


Big brother

Feeling really down today. Could feel myself wanting to break down in the zucchini field at work today but I managed to hold it together. Now back at the hostel I've just spent the whole afternoon on my own, I've not broken down yet but I think that's just the lack of privacy. I don't want anyone to know why I'm upset.
Can't even read Cosmo because it's all about relationships and being in love, the usual. Plus this issue is a wedding special and it hurts to even look at it knowing I'll never marry who I want. It's bad times when you can't even read a magazine without getting upset. I'm also so bored in Tatura that it's making it worse. I've nothing to keep me occupied as I'm stuck in this wee one street town. I go to work and i'm left with my thoughts all day cause I'm in a field basically working on my own picking vegetables or weeding. I come back to the hostel and we've nowhere really to go except the pool. It's like being in the big brother house we sleep, eat, socialise and work together. It's a lovely bunch of people but the bitching is terrible. I'm sick of listening to stupid complaining and talk about work. I wanna head back to the city and get a normal job but I also don't wanna give up on getting my 2nd year visa incase I wanna stay here longer. I hate being so lost and not knowing what to do to help myself.

Sunday 27 January 2013

Birthday :)

I just had the most vivid dream that I was with Scott, but I've forgotten what it was. All I remember is it was amazing and now it's gone. Please come back to me my love I hope that was you telling me that you're ok.
That was only a little catnap but it was the best sleep I've had in months. I don't sleep so well anymore now that you're gone, no matter how tired I am. You just get used to running on empty.
Ever have that hollow feeling like your emotions are so exhausted you just can't feel anything? That's how I feel right now it's been a good but tiring weekend. Being away from my twin on my birthday wasn't good, the first one we'd spent apart. Being away from my family in general when I know they were altogether having fun. I'm not homesick but I miss my family and friends like mad. I've gotten used to being away from them and not speaking to them all the time. Chris and Von and the new friends I meet in the hostel are my family right now. My best friend from Sydney, Danny who I shared a room with for 2 months suprised me and arrived in Tatura yesterday. Was amazing to see him and I'm so glad he's here.
My birthday weekend was really good and I'm glad I spent it where I did. Being in the sun when usually I'll always have snow was great. I woke up at 5am to go to work and decided I wasnt picking tomatoes on my birthday so me and Von pulled a sickie and went back to bed! Woke up and went for a birthday lunch which was a real treat cause I had chicken which we don't eat as its too expensive! How to make my day so far even more perfect? A day at the pool. Which is outdoors and is really nice with sunbathing areas. Also cause it was Australia day the lifeguards gave us a free BBQ. Was perfect just the girls sunbathing and going in when we got to hot, no boys to splash us or throw us in. Back to the hostel about 4pm to start the drinking game and get ready. I had an Aussie flag made into a dress and out came the face paint. What happens when you give a group of drunk adults face paint? They draw willies and abusive words all over each other. I just wrote I heart wozza over everyone :)
None of us won the mechanical bull contest but I tell you my legs are still killing me from holding on so tight. Surrounded by new and old friends, drinks were flowing and dancing to the jukebox it was a great night. To top it off I fell asleep hugging the toilet as drinking and spinning on a bull is a recipe for disaster! Was woken up by the bar maid and ordered to bed. You always get so drunk at your own birthday you can't remember a thing, I prefer other people's birthdays their great fun.

Friday 25 January 2013

Being Scottish

Happy Robert burns. The day we celebrate our national poet and remember why it's great to be Scottish. I love Scotland and it will always be home, there's no place like it. We're a country full of tradition and culture, people I meet are always so curious about kilts and haggis and I love to tell them all about it. They get so excited 'oh wow you're Scottish, that's so cool!' they recite braveheart and trainspotting or Och aye the noo! How can you not feel proud of such to be from such an amazing country?

When I was still in the UK I would hear on almost a daily basis about these foreigners coming over and stealing all our jobs. I'm now one of those people. There's a lot of narrow minded aussies that hate us Brits being in their country and working here. It can be quite hurtful to be on the receiving end of these comments when all I wanna do is work and see this beautiful place. I love it here why wouldn't you want someone who appreciates your country so much in it? Next time you open you're mouth to utter a racist comment or agree with someone think about it. That person just wants to earn a living and be happy just like you.

Wednesday 23 January 2013

Getting over you.

They say it takes a year to really start getting over someone. You've gotta go thru every holiday, birthday and memorable dates without that person for the first time. Scott used to spoil me rotten on my birthday and valentines day, I think he was trying to make up for the life we had. People say to me you couldn't live like that and it was extremely hard but what people don't understand was i still saw Scott. He was drunk but he was still the man I loved, and I truly loved him with all my heart. I still do. We'd get lost in each other, laugh until we cried. His favourite colour was orange, his favourite film was Apollo 13. He bought me teddy bears all the time but he loved them more than I did, he'd take anything apart then put it back together again cause he wanted to see how it worked. His favourite dinner was sausage casserole which he'd make me make all the time!
He was completely lost and a prisoner to his addiction but I hope I made it a tiny bit easier by being there for him. I regret so much that I didn't get to tell him how much I loved him and that I would have come back to him after this trip.
That I wanted to spend my life with him, I was taking this trip to get myself back together. I honestly believed in him that'd he'd beat it. What do you do and how do you get over such a great loss like this? Am I destined to feel like this forevermore? Life is one heck of a ride.

Tuesday 22 January 2013

Weeding.

We've got a new job. Rather than picking the tomatoes we're now pulling out the weeds that are stealing the tomato plants water. We're working for a different farmer and it's for an hourly rate which is like winning the lottery round here. I got chatting to a farmer in the bar on Saturday night and just thought he was trying to chat me up but turned out he genuinely
wanted to give us a job. It's tough work but our boss is great, takes us for coffee in the morning and for beers after work. Makes me wanna work hard for him and I know I'm gonna get paid. I'm gonna try and stick this out, my incentive is Queensland. I've tore a picture out a brochure and stuck it on the wall to remind me what I'm working for. Drinking a cocktail in a bar by the beach on surfers paradise (alcohol ain't allowed on the beaches of OZ) and getting over my fear
of the sea and snorkelling at the great barrier reef. Perfect.

So I've had a lovely day off today, I went shopping in the nearby town of Shepperton with Carol and Von where I got a new towel and a pillow. Was about time I bought a pillow since I've been sleeping a week without one. Usually a hostel will provide one but this one says it's an extra and wanna charge $6 for one. It's the principle I never bought one I went to K Mart instead. Shepperton is 20km from Tatura and there's no buses, we got a lift in but for the way back we thought we'd try our hand at hitch hiking. We walked to the main road out the town and just kinda stood there, looking at each other what do we do next? So the 3 of us were just kinda looking at the cars then back at each other awkwardly thinking who's gonna stick their thumb out. After 5 minutes of nothing we thought we'll head back and wait for the hostel manager to come get us. So we turned round to walk back and a car pulled up. Yes! Someone's stopped for us so we all head to the car and the men put the windows down, thinking this is weird their wearing suits.
They flashed something round their necks and all I seem was the world constable. Oh no! You ok girls? Yeah we're just waiting on a lift and thought we'd walk along. Hitch hiking is illegal in Victoria. Played dumb and we got away with it. Our first time trying it and we got caught!
Played the pub quiz in the bar downstairs and came 2nd last, which is worse than last cause the losers got a free jug. Next week we ain't even trying.

Saturday 19 January 2013

Dirty feet.

I can't remember the last time my feet were clean. That's the statement my roommate Emma just came out with and I can relate to that. It's so dusty and dry where we are its impossible not be covered head to toe in it. And the dirt here's red. So it looks even worse.
Small town Australia. That's where I am now in a wee town called Tatura. It's got one main street with a pub, a few bakers, some nick nacky shops and a supermarket. We have to start work at 6am and do the worst work in the blazing hot sun but what really makes up for it is the people in the hostel. What a fantastic mix of people we have in our group, we're really keeping each other going.
I've thought of a plan. I'm declaring a war on life and I tell you I'm gonna win this one. I know where I wanna go and what I wanna do and I'll do it. Throw what you like at me and I'll always stay upright! It sounds so cliche to say this about travelling but I've really discovered who I am and what I want. Meeting people from the world over, seeing new places and doing things I never. thought I'd do have really helped shape the new me. God I sound like a big brother reject!

I've just come upto bed from the bar downstairs where we all sat under the stars drinking beer and sharing stories of our travels and lives back home. One thing that was said and is very true is backpackers live in a different world, we scrimp and we save living in hostels and eating pasta and super noodles so that we have money for beer. The other day when we were all chilling in the hostel the local priest came in with loaves of bread and rolls, someone had donated it to the welfare and the church was giving it to us. You could say that was a low point for us being given charity bread but we were all just delighted and ran off to make toast!
You've got two types of people, people who travel and people who don't, and when you've got the bug I don't think you ever lose it.

Wednesday 16 January 2013

Fruit picking

I have a new found appreciation for anyone who's ever picked fruit, and I mean that. I just took a moment to think of the poor sod who picked my apple and the other poor sod who had to put the sticker on. Why am I suddenly going on about that? Because I just done a day tomato picking. The worst job I've ever done in my life and I'm not joking.
We started work at 6am and it all started fine with the farmer explaining what size and colour to pick (not the red ones you gotta pick the green ones) issuing us our bins we had to fill, they were a metre by a metre about that deep. We'd get $65 a bin and we were to work in groups of 4. Easy money! We'd pick loads and make a fortune. Yeah right. It's back breaking work because you're constantly bending over searching through the bushes trying t find the ones that are ready. Up and down and moving along. You get excited when you fill your first tub and you take it over to the bin and throw it in and it doesn't even make a dent. Ok so this may be harder than we thought. It took the 4 of us 3 hours to fill one. So the farmer moved us over to the next crop which was bell tomatoes. Took us 3 hours to do half a bin. It was soul destroying, it was the last pick of the crop so there was barely anything. I lost the will to live. Today we made $24 each. 6 hours work working in the sun with no shade with temperatures upto 45c and covered on flies all day for $24! I'm starting to rethink if I can do another 87 days of this or if I wanna just leave my 2nd year visa.

Monday 14 January 2013

Quarter life plus one crisis.

As you do everytime it comes upto your birthday you look at your life and see how you're doing. I'm going to be 26 and let's look at the general basics. Single, unemployed, no money and homeless. My assets, one backpack and a Juicy Couture handbag. Clothes I'm so sick of looking at and wearing. If you looked at all my Facebook pictures from the last 5 months you'd think they were all taken within a week. My shoes the soles so thin I might aswell be barefoot and they turn my feet black like a cheap ring. My hairbrush with a broken handle. The only nice things I own is my makeup, and that's running low. Writing all this down my life seems awful. I could be living in extreme poverty. In actual fact I've got a life people dream of, I'm in Australia. I'm a backpacker. My main goal is too see the world and have fun. I get a job to save for a trip to a new destination. I sleep in a bunkbed in a room with at least 7 other people at a time. I've met people from all over the world and learnt things I'd only learn from a trip like this. I've shared a room with pilots to journalists, lawyers to plumbers, and met people from Ecuador to Fiji. I don't care about keeping up with the latest fashion or what the celebs are doing. When you live out a backpack for 5 months and don't own anything then possessions become trivial to you. My diet consists of toast, cereal and pasta. I've turned myself into a vegetarian and I've not even meant it. It used to annoy me when people put pictures of their dinner on Facebook now it just makes me jealous. I don't eat nice food anymore.
I taught myself to like beer when I got to new Zealand because it was cheap, now in Australia we get a 4 litre box of wine also known as goon for $9. Blows your head off! This all might sound like hell to you but add in endless sunny days and it's perfect. It's a life worth living and a regret I'll never have.

Saturday 12 January 2013

:(.......

Life is cruel and it's hard. Where's the justice in life when someone as sweet, funny and as caring as my Scott can witness such an incident and feel so guilty and bad about it he loses everything because he constantly tries to hide the pain. The council were fined £80,000 for that incident, I'd pay that money now if that was all the punishment from this mess we were to receive. I would do anything to just have one more minute with him. I'm a mess, an absolute mess. If anyone was to come into my head even for 30 seconds it'd probably drive you insane. Keeping a smile on your face and purposely pushing yourself forward in life to stop yourself from going backwards is exhausting. I know Scott would absolutely hate to see me sad and always just wanted to see me happy but that kinda statement doesn't help when your heart is broken, its hard to be happy. I walk around like I don't have a care in the world and meet new people have fun with them, hiding this in my heart because it just makes people feel umcomfortable when they ask about life back home and I tell them. I've taken to having a moment on my own each day where I go for a walk and let all the tears out.
One thing I've taken from this is now I have no fear about anything, I've been to my lowest point and have felt pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy that nothing scares me because I can't feel any worse. Things that would have previously scared me are no big deal to me now. Travelling on my own, being on my own in general and up for trying anything because life is too short to not do as much as you can.
Who knows when I'll be brave enough to return home. When I'll feel strong enough I can face the demons waiting there for me. I miss my family and friends so much but I need this trip to help me heal. I need to realise where I'm going and what I'm doing. The life I had can no longer be possible and that's hard for me to accept. Sounds so cliche but I'm lost and I need to find my way back. Scotty G has taken my map.

Tuesday 8 January 2013

A town called nowhere

Ok so we're on a train to a place called Shepperton it's 3 hours from Melbourne and its definitely in the sticks! We have no work and no money so we're pretty desperate. All we have is a hostel booked. Which is an hour walk from the train station and some guy told us its 44c there. I'm hungover and exhausted after last nights goon antics. Got wasted playing a game where you can't open your eyes till you've finished your drink. I tell you when you're backpacking you come up with some games to keep you entertained! Went out in Melbourne and could find no clubs open so we ended up getting a donut and heading back. Didn't think much of Melbourne it's completely different from Sydney very contemporary and arty. Don't know if I'm just bias cause I loved Sydney so much but I won't be hurrying back to Melbourne.
Small town Oz here we come! Uh oh it's gonna be spider central! :(

Friday 4 January 2013

Bye Sydney

I'm sitting in the park in the blazing hot sun listening to a band play. It's one of the many free festivals they put on in Sydney. Life is pretty good if you look at it, and it is. I have a heavy heart because I'm leaving tomorrow for Melbourne. As excited as I am I don't wanna leave, I've fell in love with this city. It's an amazing place, from the tall buildings to the opera house, the beaches to the beautiful parks it's just perfect. I've had some great times here.
I'm leaving to go to victoria to find fruit picking work to get my second year visa. 3 months of hard physical work for an extra year in Australia. Hope it's worth it!

How I got here.....

I'll never forget that moment. Lying in bed in the hostel waiting on Von finishing work, we were having a much needed girls night. Leo and chris were getting on at me to get up and get some energy but I was in a lazy mood. It was 7.30pm in NZ and the UK is 12 hours behind so I was very suprised to see my sister was phoning so early in the morning. Answering the phone happy to hear from her she delivered the news that broke my heart and changed my life forever. Scott had died. Scott. My Scott. My Scotty G. The only man I've ever loved and was planning to go back to after I'd been travelling. His body had finally succumbed to the abuse. My love wasn't enough to save him.
I don't remember the rest of that phone call but I remember the moments after. Shouting for Chris and him being sick at the news. Asking the guys to go get me a drink as i needed one to stop the shaking, collapsing to the ground unable to breathe because I was in so much pain. I remember sitting with Von drinking wine and trying to make sense of it all. My phone going crazy with txts and phone calls with people wanting to know if I was ok? Of course I wasn't! I wanted to throw my phone out the window I couldn't take people's sympathy because it made it more real. We weren't married and technically we weren't together but I sill feel like a wido at 25.
It's over 2 months on and I feel that people think I should be over it by now so I don't speak about it. I feel like a fraud because we'd broken up. Truth is though my heart is still completely broken. When he died he took a piece of my heart that'll always belong to him. A part that'll never heal. To symbolise that I got a tattoo of a heart in an intimate place only for him.
NZ to me is where my world changed, where I felt my absolute worst. A beautiful country that I had some of the best times of my life in. All that is now overshadowed. 3 weeks after it happened I was on a flight to Sydney on my own. I needed to get out there on my own and try make sense of it all. For a while it seemed to work, I was caught up in the excitement of everything new and making friends. Yet sometimes I'd sit in the park and cry for hours. I still do. I'm just so overwhelmed that one minute I love life and I'm really having a great time travelling and the next I just wanna leave all this pain and go home to where my family can help me. People call me strong. I don't think I am I just keep going because if I stop and let myself break down I don't think I'll come back.
My family and friends mean the world to me and their love is enough for me. I don't want any other kind of love in my life for me I'm done. I wanna find joy in spending time with them and discovering new things in life. That way there's no chance of being hurt like this again.
Here's to travelling and the next chapter.